California Babble.....blah blah blah blahg

Food on Friday: Toffee Crack

2012-02-10T07:21:00.000-08:00

You know how I'm a big scrapbooker nerd, right? Well, to add to the nerdiness, we have a group at church that meets every other week and we're called the Christian Croppers - awesomely nerdy name, right? Every few months we have All Day Crops, which, if you belong to the Scrapbooking Cult, you know what that is and if you don't, well, it's pretty self-explanatory. The one in February is always the "Chocoholic Crop", which means everyone brings a chocolate snack to share and for 15ish hours we binge on sugary, chocolatey goodness and painstakingly create cute scrapbooks that our kids will promptly toss upon our deaths. Or, in my case, spend the whole day binging on chocolate, talking, organizing pictures/stickers/papers, etc., looking at other people's scrapbooks, and maybe finishing one page. But I digress...back to the chocolate portion of the program. One year I brought my chocolate fountain, but neglected to read the directions.....

It may have been the suggestion that I go with a less destructive chocolate creation in the future or maybe it was the "crack" in the title (since that propels it straight to the top of my "love" list - and I mean that figuratively, as in "so good it's addictive like crack" not as in.....oh, never mind, you get it) that attracted me to this sweet-n-salty chocolatey delight. This easy-even-for-me recipe is from Julie at Joy's Hope. Julie's blog is about so much more than recipes and even though I don't know her, I love her. I mean, her tagline is Do something good. Everyday. and you know how much my sunshiny-flowery-bekind-glasshalffull heart swells when I come across phrases like that. But, back to the chocolate.....

Toffee Crack

Saltine crackers
1 stick butter
1 c brown sugar
1 bag chocolate chips

Line cookie sheet with crackers. Melt butter in pan, add brown sugar, and stir until slightly caramelized. Pour over crackers and spread evenly. Bake at 350F for 5 minutes. Remove from oven and pour chocolate chips on top. As they melt, spread over the toffee and then place in refrigerator to set. You could break it into bite-size pieces to serve on a plate or you could just shovel it straight into your mouth from the cookie sheet and cut out the middle-man. Don't say I didn't warn you!

I Love My mmmmm...TV

2012-02-08T19:21:00.000-08:00

I watch a lot of television. I know - gross, right? I like to consider it research for my Celebrity Stalking obsession, rather than admit that I'm part of the "ass-stuck-to-couch" crowd. In my defense, at least I don't watch Reality TV. And GodBlessAmerica for the invention of DVRs because my old-school VCR would never be able to keep up with my current addiction.

Currently my favorite show is Revenge, because, let's face it, this is my fantasy. On the outside I have this kindness-good-karma-do-unto-others-nicey-McNice persona that really works for me 99.9% of the time. However, suppressed on the inside, wayyyyyy deep down (sometimes not as far down as I would like), I think Carrie Underwood is way too kind.

Me with Trevor Donovan

I also enjoy a good teeny-bopper show. This started when I was teaching 9th graders and Beverly Hills 90210 (the original) was all the rage. I wanted to see what they were talking about and gradually my, "Oh.Ber.Oth.Er." turned into, "I can't believe Donna and David broke up-Valerie is so mean-who will Kelly choose, Dillon or Brandon?" 20+ years later and I still occasionally channel surf to the reruns. So imagine my thrill when they created the new 90210, especially when Kelly, Donna, and Brenda were on the first season! Admittedly, it isn't as good as the original, but all of those beach scenes are filmed in my 'hood, so yeah, back to the stalker thing. My zip code even starts with "902..", plus, I've met hotty Teddy the tennis pro, so basically I'm connected to the show in so many ways, I'm practically a part of it.

Throw in Friday Night Lights, GRΣΣK, Hellcats, Life Unexpected, Melrose Place (old and new), One Tree Hill, The OC, and Veronica Mars and you can see that I've been very busy these past few years nurturing my ass/couch relationship. All good things must come to an end, though, as did these cinematic masterpieces. Thank goodness I still have Gossip Girl and Glee to keep me firmly attached to the couch. Can I just tell you that I am INLOVE with Mr. Schue? And then, just when I've barely finished basking in the glow of his sexy Jagger moves, along comes Ricky Martin, who I fell in love with as Miguel on General Hospital almost 20 years ago. Seriously, watch these beautiful biceps and shiny white teeth and then just try to pry me off my couch!

Food on Friday: Pizza Dip

2012-02-03T07:21:00.000-08:00

With the help of my newest addiction - Pinterest - I'm going to add a new segment to my blog repertoire: Recipes That Look Fantastic, But I'll Never Cook Them Because I Don't Cook.

This one is from Kevin Lynch at Closet Cooking: Cooking in a Closet Sized Kitchen. I don't know Kevin, but I do know that I love men who cook. And pizza. And dips.

Pizza Dip

4 oz cream cheese, room temp
1/4 c sour cream
1/4 c mayonnaise
1 c mozzarella, shredded/grated, divided in half
1/2 c parmesan, grated, divided in half
1 c pizza sauce
2 oz pepperoni, sliced
2 T green peppers, sliced
2 T black olives, sliced
(Actually, you can use any of your favorite pizza toppings.)

Mix the cream cheese, sour cream, mayonnaise, half of the mozzarella and half of the parmesan, and spread it across the bottom of a pie plate. Spread the pizza sauce on top and sprinkle on the remaining cheeses, pepperoni, green peppers, and olives. Bake in a preheated 350F oven until the cheese is melted, bubbling, and golden brown (about 20 minutes). Serve with baguette slices because they make the perfect beds for large spoonfuls of this pizza delight.

If you make this, report back and let us know how it turned out. I'm only allowed supervised visits to our kitchen, due to a few minor burning incidents that may or may not have created some smoke, so it may be a while before I get to it. I'll have to settle for gazing longingly at the recipe.

Oh, My Achin' Tooth

2012-01-27T07:21:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I had a root canal. My first ever. I feel a little violated.

First of all, I was sad that this poor little broken molar who's been with me for so long couldn't hang in there just a few more weeks to hit the 50 milestone with me. And lest you think, "it's just a tooth, who cares? - you lost your uterus and didn't shed a tear over that major organ - why so sad?", think about all the memories you have surrounding your teeth. First there's the slight little wiggle - "Mom, mom - my tooth is loose!!!" Then the pull-out hysterics (wait, was that just me?), then the Tooth Fairy, and then the little nubbins of a brand new grown-up "permanent" tooth who would soon guide you through your life of chewing pleasure. Oh sure, adult-stressed-out-you abused it with continuous grinding, but it could take it, right? It was supposed to be permanent, after all. Alas, no. RIP my sweet molar #19.

Once I worked through the grief, my "fight or flight" response kicked in, which, for me, is more like a "tremble in fear" response with the same adrenaline rush. I am terrified of the dentist. Terr-If-Fied. Seriously, I cry almost every time I'm there. Thankfully, my dentist doesn't think it's strange for a 40-something-year-old person to cry in the chair o' doom, so she dries my tears and pets my forehead until I'm all better. I am in love with this woman, even if she is a masochist deep down inside. The next few ~~days~~ hours were a blur: I cried and hyperventilated, endured unceasing torture, got some good drugs, and survived. Cue Aretha.

Naturally, when I got home I played BraveFace and announced to The Husband that, "It doesn't hurt at all!" He smiled. I guess pointing out that my face was still numb and when it wore off I would be in all kinds of pain, which would be the impetus for all kinds of whining, would have been just plain cruel. Oh wait - he did that. And he was right, dammit. To quote one of my besties during childbirth, "Dude, this hurts a lot!"

I'm pretty sure the only way to power through this trauma involves lots of ice cream and Vicodin. I'm also pretty sure that's what the grown-up Tooth Fairy will be bringing me.

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

2012-01-22T19:21:00.000-08:00

In the first 22 days of 2012, I have spent a whopping 5 of them at home. And before you say, "Gosh, what a jet-setter lifestyle," let me assure you that it's not. Seriously, does this look jet-setter-ish? Do you see Hawaii or Italy anywhere in these paths?

LA > Riverside > LA > Sacramento > Chico > Stockton > Sacramento > Cincinnati > Lexington > Cincinnati > LA

Nope, not even a nearby glance at Hawaii or Italy. What you may notice, however, is that almost all of my destinations were NORTH of Los Angeles. In January. You know what that means, right? Weather Whine-itis struck with a vengeance. At one point I even said to someone, "Gosh, there's ice all over the cars in the parking lot," to which he responded, "Um, yeah, it gets cold here." I could feel his eyes rolling and heard his in-head thought of, "Silly little Cali girl."

Fortunately I have good travel karma these days, which is a good thing, of course, because I am not a very responsible traveler. I've been known to jump on the plane as they were pulling up the jet bridge (back in the pre-9-11 days when you could behave in such ways without fear of being tasered) and I've definitely had my name called over the intercom more than once. But these days I tend to make it to check-in with at least 2 minutes to spare. Most of the time. Of course it wouldn't be a travel day for me if I didn't have a ridiculous story to share, and - bonus - I have two:

Adventure #1:
I had just squeaked into the Sacramento airport, with minutes to spare, and they told me that my flight was delayed. At first I was relieved that I had extra time until I realized I'd be missing a connection. Therefore, I was "involuntarily rerouted" from Sacramento to Salt Lake City to Atlanta to Cincinnati, arriving at 9am for a 10am meeting. But then, when I landed in SLC, the karma fairy interceded because there was an "involuntarily rerouted" plane going to Cincy, so I was able to jump on it instead of spending most of the night in airports. Whew! Of course my luggage had to take the scenic route through the ATL, so we didn't reconnect until the next day, which means I wore jeans and sneakers to a client meeting. Really no big deal considering the alternative. Big bonus points to Delta, who delivered my bag to the hotel, and to the front desk clerk who gave me toiletries. I have found that people are usually very helpful during travel crises. Not always, of course, but almost always, and I SOOOOOO appreciate them.

Adventure #2:
Since I spend more time in hotels than I do at home, I am surprisingly very careful about unpacking and repacking. In fact, I've only left 2 things in hotel rooms ever, which is pretty amazing considering what a ditz I can be at times. However, I broke the streak and broke it in a big way. I left my sweatpants with my drivers license and credit card in the hotel in Cincinnati and didn't realize it until I got to Lexington. Of course I was in a panic thinking I'd have to have The Husband overnight my passport to me for ID so I could get on a plane to go home and then have to go through the pain of cancelling a credit card, and - most importantly - have to get a new drivers license, which would have been horrifying because I've gained 20 lbs since my last DL pic. (You see where my priorities are, right?) Fortunately, the karma fairy stepped in again, and the maid found my stuff, the front desk clerk held it for me, and I am once again indebted to the hospitality industry for taking care of me. Whew times 10!

Jet-setter lifestyle? Not even close. Home sweet home? Why, yes, I think I'll stay a while.

Waterboarding, Writing...Synonyms, Right?

2012-01-08T10:23:00.000-08:00

I'm going to let you in on a little secret (of course posting it online pretty much guarantees that it's no longer a secret)...if you ever want to torture me, don't bother with the solitary confinement or waterboarding - just skip ahead and ask me this question: "Why don't you write more?" My head will spin, I'll start sputtering and spewing the most creative excuses known to mankind, and I'll probably whine a lot. Because I don't know the answer. Okay, that's a lie. I do know the answer, but as an English major and former English teacher, it's too horrible a phrase to utter aloud.....

I hate to write!

There, secret's out. I hate to write. I like to think about writing, I like to pretend-write in my head, I like to comment on other people's writing, I like to read about writing, I like to read stuff I've already written, I like to re-write, I like to think I'm a writer, I've fooled my employer into thinking I'm a writer, but I just Hate. To. Write. And I don't know why. I'd like to think it has to do with a childhood trauma and can be therapied out of me, but I suspect it has a lot to do with laziness. (Really? You're kidding! No way!) Sooooooo, taking a writing course - not associated with school or work requirements - would be the absolute last thing I would ever do, right? Yeahhhhh, wellllll, ummmmm...

So here's the back story...a few months ago a friend (can't remember who, but I'll either kill you or kiss you when I remember) posted an article on Facebook, which of course propelled me into the "Oh this is interesting, let's click on this other link that sounds interesting, oh this is interesting, let's click on this other link that sounds interesting, oh this....." tailspin. Hours later, I stumbled upon Daphne Gray-Grant's Publication Coach website. It was love at first sight when I read these magic words: "Are you tired of writing too slowly and too painfully? Is writing a dreaded chore that you avoid? Would you like to write faster and more easily?" Yes. YES. YESSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!! HallelujahandpraisetheLord, YES! I promptly signed up for her newsletter and recommended it to my fellow writers. (See how I say "fellow" when I'm not even one of them? I WANT to be a writer; I THINK I'm a writer; I just HATE to write. So I include myself in with my writer friends, but actually I'm a fraud.) So then Carrie-In-The-City says, "Let's take the Extreme Writing Makeover course. And being the typical passive-aggressive that I am, I said, "Yeah, sure" when I meant to say, "Hell to the no." I figured I could continue with "yeah, yeah, sure" for a few months and then we'd forget all about it. But then it became the dreaded New Year's Resolution time and C-I-T-C and her evil steel-trap mind remembered and I got caught up in the frenzy and suddenly, "Yeah, sure" turned into "Yes, that sounds like a great idea, let's sign up now" and here we are. 52 weeks of writing assignments. Homework...Commitment...Writing, oh my!

So stay tuned. And this time I mean it. Yes, I realize I pretty much wrote nothing last year. I ~~started~~ thought about starting a lot of posts, though - does that count? Clearly not, according to this new accountability thingee I have going on.

Whirlwind Tour of Florida

2011-02-22T19:21:00.000-08:00

Ya know that "I need a vacation from my vacation" phrase? Yeah, that. Here's the recap - the super short version...

Parental units/Ft. Myers...my favorite neighborhood. My dream is to live in a retirement community where you eat meals together in the dining room, go to arts and crafts classes anytime you want, drive a golf cart, and take bus trips to the mall. I kinda did it backwards though, because I lived in FL in my youth and now I'm in CA during my old age.

Brother-SIL/St. Cloud...another one of my favorite places. The Brother is in the bee business, which The Husband was brave enough to check out. Note the picture-from-a-distance that I took of The Bee Whisperer Wannabe.

The SIL is in the fabulous-clothes business, which is so much more "me" that I excused myself from the nature channel and drooled over some gorgeous shoes instead. Not only are these the most beautiful shoes EV.ER., but they're also in that magnificent hue of Gator Orange and Blue. Rumor has it that you can custom order any colors, but why would you?

While we were in the Central FL area, we also participated in AFSP's Out of the Darkness Walk. Ya know, because I don't do enough OOTD Walks from September through November in SoCal - I needed to travel 3000 miles to do another one.

Also while in my hometown 'hood, I got to play with my girlz. Seriously, the four of us have known each other since about 4th-5th grade (which was only a few years ago, mind you) all the way through college and beyond and the stories we've accumulated along the way are why the Mother's Curse was invented. The best one was, "I told them (referring to teenage daughters) they couldn't go to that concert and can you believe they snuck out and went anyway?!" Really, and that was shocking to you? Because we didn't do the same exact thing a million times? (Mom and Dad, if you're reading this, I'm referring to THEM, not ME, because, well, I was an angel and always followed the rules. Yup, sticking with that story.) So here we are circa 1979...

And here we are (minus the feathers) a mere 32 years later in 2011...

We practically look the same, right? Okay, well at least we still act like 17-yr-olds.

The rest of the whirlwind consisted of visiting the in-laws in New Port Richey, a Sherlock Holmes-esque adventure in Tarpon Springs (more on that later), and then back to visit my parental units and aunt/uncle in Ft. Myers. Finally, on our last day in the other Sunshine State, we relaxed on the beach. Fun was had by all!

Blinded by the ~~light~~ sun!

AFSP Leadership Conference Debrief

2011-01-30T19:21:00.000-08:00

I love conferences and I love meeting new people. If only I could make a career out of my grown-up version of Sorority Rush. Plus, I love learning new stuff (that I'm interested in - not boring stuff like astronomy). Plus, I love getting new creative ideas that I will eventually steal and call my own. So spending the weekend schmoozing at a conference in San Diego where it's sunny and warm (except for the 3 days I was there, of course) ranks right up there with a scrapbooking getaway weekend, which is only slightly below a Hollywood stalking event. Anyway, here's my somewhat incomplete review. In other words, I started keeping notes and then - squirrel.

Thumbs down:

Finance in a general session first thing Saturday morning. Yaaawwwwwn.
Brain disease research, with pictures, right before lunch. BLE: "Here's our brain stem friend." Yummy, now what's for lunch?
Reading PPT slides. Uber-pet peeve of mine.

Thumbs up:

Sitting (and getting a picture) with Wade Hanson from Season 10 of The Apprentice. Okay, I know I'm stretching the definition, but I think we all know by now that I'll take a celebrity sighting in any way, shape, or form. I am not proud of this.
Lunch with a real live brain surgeon (Dr. Victoria Arango). I'm pretty sure I'm smarter by osmosis now.
Watching the super-awesome peeps from AFSP-Indiana win all kinds of awards.
"Carnival of Ideas" open house, with wine and cheese. And not only do all the different chapters share their ideas, but they encourage you to steal them. It's a win-win! As our big boss said, "I've never had an original idea in my life, but I'm a good thief." He even stole those words right out of my mouth.
Trees and shoes. Not only do I love this as a memorial, but it's all kinds of crafty goodness.

Quilts, quilts, and more quilts. My favorite is the one that's made in individual squares that can be unbuttoned and rearranged.

Blunder of the day:
As I tripped over my bag/purse/books underneath my chair for the 15th time, I blurted out, "Jees, I'm gonna kill myself tripping over this stuff" except that's not how it came out. I inadvertently inserted a pause after "myself" as I was in mid-trip. Cue gasp.

PSA - The More You Know:

Depression is a disease of the brain just like asthma is a disease of the lungs. The brain is an organ just like the lungs, heart, liver, etc.
Suicide is the result of a diseased brain. Bullying, stress, etc., are triggers, not causes.
The correct word for a death by hanging is hanged, not hung. "He hanged himself" not "he hung himself".
The phrase “committed suicide” is NOT accurate...you should say “died of suicide” instead. (Would you say "he committed cancer"? No, of course not.) People commit crimes. Suicide is not a crime. Period.
If you're interested in reading the latest articles about suicide prevention and mental illness, check out Normal Is a Setting on a Washing Machine.

And now to lighten the mood, here's a picture of our boss and our Board president in the hotel bar. Nope, not even a costume theme party. Normally I would say, "Oh those crazy kids", but that falls into the "things not to say while surrounded by mental health peeps" category. Finally, I must close with a picture of our fabulous AFSP SoCal crew. Basically the whole weekend was just one big hot dish of fabulousness.

Words on Wednesday, reprised

2011-01-26T07:21:00.000-08:00

I discovered this bundle of grammar goodness the other day and I must share. And by "discovered" I mean, someone sent me a link to thebestwebsiteever, The Oatmeal, and I got sucked in for hours of giggling pleasure. Now, for those of you who have been missing Words on Wednesday, here ya go. The first two are reviews of previous lessons, and the last two are things that are tricky, even for me, The Queen Goddess of All Things Grammar. I know it's hard to believe, but I've actually made a couple of grammar errors in my lifetime. Of course I quickly had them covered up, held a press conference, hired a PR firm to spin it, and swept it into the closet with all those other skeletons, so no one ever found out the truth. Let's just keep it between you and me, okay?

Click to enlarge

p.s. Teachers/Parents - click on the link to buy The Oatmeal Grammar Pack of posters.

Welcome to Hollywooooooood! What's Your Dream?!?

2011-01-20T19:21:00.000-08:00

The day I moved to la-la-land, my friends/family starting contributing to my bail money fund. Similar to a college fund, but way more practical. You see, I spend an inordinate amount of time in the fantasyland that is my head, which causes me to have stalker-like tendencies. Specifically, celebrity stalker tendencies. And they have these pesky laws against that. So, while I have no plans to make an appearance in Nick Cage's house wearing his jacket, I can't promise that I haven't thought about it. And because my friends know me so well, they closely monitor the red carpet event clips on TV to see if I'm there and sporting a new pair of stainless steel bracelets.

Despite having to obey the laws, I have had some exceptional encounters in the past few years (Matthew McConaughey). I've also stretched the definition of "celebrity" on occasion (Bristol Palin). All in all, my portfolio is growing nicely and I've avoided jail time. Bonus for everyone involved.

Andre Agassi

Ellen DeGeneres' Emmy Award

Eva LaRue

David Duchovny

Jon Cryer

Michael Easton

Barbara Walters

Betty White

Sherri Shepherd

Justin Bruening, Colin Egglesfield

Cameron Mathison

Carolyn Hennesy

Felicity Huffman, William H. Macy

Mario Lopez

Jeremy Piven

Jason Lee

Ethan Suplee

Trevor Donovan

Mark Feuerstein

James Marsden

Bristol Palin, Mariette Hartley

And just in case you have the urge to burst my bubble like my 12yo niece did when I said, "I saw Jay Leno the other day" and she said, "I've never heard of him", here's the IMDB link to look them up. By the way, if you feel the urge to participate in my official Celebrity Stalker Sweepstakes, thereby necessitating the need for your own bail money fund, feel free. We can have neighborhood block parties in fantasyland. Or jail.

How's the Weather?

2011-01-18T07:21:00.000-08:00

Someone shared Megan McGloverful's videos with me last week and can I just tell you, I cannot get enough of this woman!?! She's reporting on the freak-show snowstorm in Atlanta and you all know how I HATE cold and LOVE to complain about the weather. In fact, some might say I'm obsessed with it. Hot/cold/rain/fog - it doesn't matter - I will bitch and moan like Goldilocks. "This day's too hot...This day's too cold...This day is juuusst..." except you never actually hear me say it's "just right" because I'm an ingrate when those days come around. I do tend to have a sense of entitlement, which probably comes from living in FL and CA where the Chamber of Commerce brochures brag about "sunny and beautiful" despite the frequent variant days in between. But here I am making this all about me (weird how that happens, huh?) when I really want to show you some samples of Megan's hilarious weather reports.

Beginning of the week...snow had just started...

End of the week...cabin fever has set in...

Beginning of the 2nd week...can't win for losing...

I cannot stop laughing! And it's a "laugh with" not "laugh at" because this is exactly how I feel during cold weather. You know, when June Gloom hits and we dip below 70 degrees for an entire month, which is almost the same thing. Anyway, meander on over to YouTube and check her out. I most definitely love her long and strong!

***** UPDATE *****

Of course you knew it was only a matter of time before a weather station snatched her up. You can also check her out on Facebook.

Congrats to the SEC...again...

2011-01-11T07:21:00.000-08:00

Once again, the SEC rules the BCS world as Auburn wins the National Championship for 2010. I guess if the Gators can't win it every year (or even come close to fielding a team worthy of middle school intramurals, as was the case this year) then I have to be happy for the other Orange and Blue team. However, the real reason I'm happy for them is because their coach is one of our own. Gene Chizik was a busboy at the UF Chi Omega house in the early 80s and dated one of my sisters, so I'm pretty sure the early Chi O influence is the source of his fantastic coaching abilities. You're welcome, Auburn.

BTW, when I say "SEC rules", I'm not just spewing football smack-talk. There are real live statistics to back it up.

Only 234 days left until football season begins.....276 days until Florida plays Auburn.....

Devil's in the House of the Rising Sun

2011-01-07T19:21:00.000-08:00

I am terrified of all things Satanic. This fear has nothing to do with my Christian beliefs, the Bible, my reserved seat in the proverbial hand-basket, or any retro-angst over attending a Jr. High with the "Red Devils" as the mascot. I'm actually not sure where this ingrained fear comes from, but I have several clues.

It could have something to do with reading The Omen when I was 16 because my mom forbid me to see the movie and I figured I'd skirt around that directive by reading the book instead. Brilliant idea, because the scary devil-things in the movie (which, of course, in true teenager mindset I ended up seeing anyway) were nothing compared to the details in the book. I had nightmares for years. Go ahead, Mom, say it - you know you want to.

It could have something to do with that whole "if you play a record backwards you can hear satanic messages" trend. We did this one night in college and it is absolutely true! I'm not sure what the messages were because I was too busy hiding under the pillow after the first sentence. To this day if I ever hear any sort of audio distortion, I know it's the devil speaking to me.

It could have something to do with movies like Damien, The Seventh Sign, and The Exorcist that I should've known better than to ever watch. I even watched The Exorcist years after it came out, on video, in the middle of the afternoon, surrounded by 3 friends who I made swear that they wouldn't leave me alone for at least the rest of the week, and was still terrified. I've never watched the remake and have no plans to. Too little, too late, probably.

However, despite all of these contributing factors, I really think my fear was implanted at a much younger age for a much sillier reason. When I was little - like elementary-school-aged-impressionable little - someone told me this story: If it's raining outside while the sun is shining and you put a nail in the ground with a metal pot over it and then put your ear to it, you can hear the devil beating his wife. And because I have repeated this story every single time there's a sunshower for almost 40 years, I often get the "I've never heard of that before in my life" comment, accompanied by the you-have-3-heads look of confusion. So, upon hearing it for the 786th time the other day, The Husband challenges me to find out if it's really a "thing" or just something I completely dreamed up. In other words, "Google it, honey". "Okay," I thought, "I'll show him." But I didn't, really. I did find out that there are lots of theories, though:

Devil is beating his wife. (US - esp. the South, Italy, Holland, Hungary)
Devil is kissing his wife. (Tennessee)
Devil is beating his wife and marrying his daughter. (France)
Devil is beating his grandmother. (Germany)
Devil and his wife are fighting over a bone. (Carribean)
Devil is getting married. (Hungary)

And while these are all quite, um, interesting, I didn't find anything that mentioned a nail and a metal pot, so I'm not finished with my research quite yet. I mean, I couldn't have mis-heard this very wise elementary-school-aged classmate, right? And perpetuated the myth in true urban legend form? And btw, I double-dog-dare you not to repeat this story the next time there's a sunshower. In fact, while you're at it, get out an old record and play it backwards.

Move Over, Marlo

2011-01-04T19:21:00.000-08:00

In between my moments of "It's All About Me" I have moments of altruism. My biggest contribution to society lately is playing the role of "That Girl"...no, not of the cutesy Marlo-Thomas-kite-flying sitcom of the 60s. My role is much more important to society. No doubt you've all encountered me at some point and you're welcome.

I've gained 10 lbs during the holidays, but at least I'm not as fat as That Girl.
I'm having trouble following along in this exercise/dance/pilates/yoga class, but at least I'm not as uncoordinated as That Girl.
I can only lift a 3-lb weight, but at least I can lift more than That Girl.
I finished near the end of this 5K race, but at least I beat That Girl.
I may be dressed like People of Walmart today, but at least I don't look as bad as That Girl.

However, as much as I enjoy my service to humanity, I may have to cut back on this particular random act of kindness. Visions of Bonnie Grape and Momma Boone have been dancing through my head lately, and trust me, it's not like sugarplums at all. Although sugarplum visions are what got me into this predicament in the first place (along with the 4 food groups - pizza, beer, chocolate, salt), so I guess we've come full circle.

Look away...I'm hideous. Click to enlarge, if you must.

Plus, I'm pretty sure all my neighbors will be mad at me when they have to tear down the building just to remove me. So even though I hate Satan's Gym, I will schlep on. And of course I will continue to bitch and moan about it. Hey - maybe I can re-create myself as "Before Picture".

Surf's Up

2011-01-03T19:21:00.000-08:00

This interwebz thing is the best invention ever; I sure hope it sticks around. Since I surf a lot (i.e. procrastinate when I should be working), I've discovered some gems to share. Check out some of this FREE technological goodness:

Color Cop: For those of you who are uber-anal about matching the exact right color, download this immediately and pin it to your start menu. No more looking up hex codes and taking a wild guess at blue vs. navy blue vs. midnight blue vs. pacific blue vs. dress blue. Or my favorite, dumpster vs. park bench. (I'm not kidding - dumpster=#004F00 and park bench=#2E6444.)

Free Technology for Teachers: Let's face it, I'm a teacher at heart. I left many years ago because I was tired of living like a pauper (don't get me started on my soapbox), but the bottom line is, if I could do anything in the world and money didn't matter, I'd still be teaching. Anyway, this website makes me drool. It has resources, lesson plans, e-books, apps, downloads...it's a combo of teacher and techie fantasyland.

Rescue Time: Secret's out...I procrastinate. Even as I sit here writing this, I know that I have about 40 hours of work I need to complete today, yet here I am. I keep thinking if I could just get a handle on my time-management issues, my life would be so much better. Well, that and a winning lottery ticket. So anyway, imagine my delight when I found this little tool that would micro-manage me. It monitors every moment you spend on your computer and categorizes it so you can see that you spent 1 hour on your PPT presentation and 5 hours on facebook. It's a cold, hard slap in the face, trust me.

TeAchnology: Again with the drooling. This site has resources, lesson plans, printable worksheets, rubrics, and all the stuff teacher dreams are made of.

Vodafone Parents' Guide: If you're a parent, chances are your 6-yr-old has helped you with a technology issue. While they're running circles around us in cyberspace, remember that they still have the common sense of, well, a kid. This site helps parents get up to speed on what kids are doing online and how to keep them safe doing it. There are quizzes (how much do you know), tips, tutorials, and resources all dedicated to keeping your kids safe online. Sadly, "don't talk to strangers" just isn't enough anymore.

So many more to share, but my Rescue Time alert is nagging me to get back to work, so it'll have to wait. Stay tuned...

I Blame Mark Zuckerberg

2011-01-02T19:21:00.000-08:00

As those of you who know me know, nothing is EVER my fault. I have perfected the blame game to levels that would make any teenager green with envy. Some blame is perfectly legitimate, while other times it's more of an ~~excuse~~ justification for something I shoulda/woulda/coulda done, while other times it's a flat-out stretch of the imagination. For example:

Legitimate: Freeway traffic = blame too many idiot drivers.
Justification: I'm late = blame freeway traffic. (Okay, maybe I should've left earlier.)
Stretch: Didn't leave earlier = blame The Husband who secretly hid my keys. (In the bottom of my purse. Or in my jacket pocket. Or underneath my pile of clutter on my desk.)

You see how the blame game trickles down? So, blaming Mr. Zuckerberg for the demise of my ability to write more than 420 characters at a time makes perfect sense, doesn't it?

Sometimes it's Just. So. Hard. (insert drama queen-esque whine and cap it off with a huge sigh while flopping to the floor) to do the different drummer march thing, so I give up. Good-bye multi-paragraph essays accompanied by an introduction, conclusion, thesis statement, research, photos, and most importantly, a point. I must join the jumbled-random-thoughts bandwagon, lest I give up writing completely. Somewhere in a file cabinet my English degree is weeping.

Weather update: For those of you who saw the CA brochure weather at the Rose Parade/Bowl yesterday, let me be the first to remind you that we are Hollywood, after all, and special effects are our thing. Today it's been pouring, freezing, and -- oh, what's that news just in? -- S-N-O-W-I-N-G in Valencia.

Football update: Gators won...Broncos lost...I love Tim Tebow. That's about the extent of my football thoughts for the weekend, as well as the entire 2010 season. Oh, and the burning question of the year...Mr. Pouncey, seriously, how hard is it to hike a football?

Farewell to the urban legend that was Urban, which makes me too sad to talk about. But, welcome Coach MusCHAMP and a new era. And now the long sports drought begins...only 244 days until football season.

Tim Tebow update: His latest Jockey ad makes me tingle all over. So much so that I had to download it as my wallpaper. If I have my way, it will end up as real wallpaper in my office.

Click to enlarge. Trust me, you'll want to.

New Year's Resolutions update: Wash, rinse, repeat. Mark Twain said it best..."Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual."

However, check out what I did today...Wait - let me rephrase...this is the class I attended where everyone else did this and I spent most of my time falling over and untangling myself from this evil machine. I have a month to go because I bought a special deal in a moment of "I'm going to get in shape" weakness, which means 29 more days to learn left from right, figure out how to move two limbs at once, and balance on things that move while counting/squeezing/stretching/breathing and trying not to kill all the skinny bitches in the room.

Things that make me laugh update: Signs from The Rally To Restore Sanity and/or Fear. (Don't worry - I'll be posting more of these soon. There are just too many good ones that can't be ignored.)

Stay tuned for my next mashup of profundities.

3-Ply Bar Fun

2010-12-31T19:21:00.000-08:00

I just realized it's been a while since I've been out picking up men in bars...oh wait, that never happened. People probably don't write phone numbers on cocktail napkins or coasters anymore, do they? It's kinda sad to think that this generation of bar flies will never wake up the next morning with a stack of cocktail napkins on the nightstand wondering who's who. Because I've always enjoyed collecting info on napkins, I tend to love napkins that have anything written on them. Therefore, to honor the soon-to-be-extinct bar post-it notes, I'm sharing pictures of my favorite funny cocktail napkins, many of which I've used at my boring old-people parties at home. Alas, there are no phone numbers on them these days.

Click to enlarge

Christmas in the Park 6: Reindeer Games

2010-12-14T19:21:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite Christmas stories of all time is Move Over, Santa - Ruby's Doin' Christmas! by Ruby Ann Boxcar. Sorry Rudolph, Scrooge, Ralphie, and George Bailey...Ruby and her pals at the trailer park are far more entertaining. Since I haven't had an original thought in months, and since I lovelovelove this book and re-read it every December, I thought I'd just go ahead and plagiarize some excerpts to share with you for the holiday season. Ruby, don't sue me; just consider this free advertising. Seriously, you guys need to run right over (and by "run", I mean "click") to Amazon and buy this book. Funniest. Book. Ever.

This selection comes from various sections in various chapters, Trailer Park Christmas Games.

Everybody enjoys a fun party game, especially at Christmas. I know that at my Christmas parties, after we've eatin', game time is one of the highlights of the night. We all enjoy playin' "White Elephant / Dirty Santa," but the fun doesn't stop there. We also play "Hey, What's in My Sock," "Donna Sue's Boyfriend," "The Christmas Pea," "Pass the Aqua Net," "The Check Is in the Mail," "The Christmas Goose," "I've Never on Christmas," "Blow It Out for Santa," "Decorate the Christmas Tree Game," and "Kiss and Tell." Not only are these games fun, but they also help your guests get more acquainted.

Blow It Out for Santa
You light a candle and put it on a chair away from where everyone is seated. The story is that it's Christmas Eve, and Santa is up on the roof waitin' to come down the chimney. The only thing is, he won't budge until he sees that all the lights are out. So you have to blow out the candle for Santa. Then each player, in turn, is blind-folded and positioned two feet away with their backs to the candle and chair. The hostess then asks them to take three steps forward, turn around four times, and step three steps forward toward the candle. They then simply have to blow the candle out. Since most people will get disoriented, they'll end up in some other part of the room, blowin' on somethin' else. Just make sure you got somebody standin' behind or beside the chair just to make sure that nobody walks into the candle. The last thing you need while havin' a party is a trailer fire.

The Check Is in the Mail
I love this game. First every player puts in a dollar bill. Then the hostess takes all the money that has been collected and puts it in an open envelope that has the word BILLS written on it. Then all the players get in a big circle. When the hostess starts up a song on the CD player, everyone starts passin' the envelope. When the music stops, the person holdin' the envelope is either out or has to put two more dollar bills in the envelope in order to continue playin'. If that same player gets stuck with the envelope a second time, he don't put any more money in the envelope 'cause he's out for good this time. The last person to not get stuck with the envelope is the winner and gets to keep the cash.

The Christmas Pea
This game is real fun and simple to play. You take a handful of peas and set 'em on a chair. You scatter 'em out a bit. You hand a player an empty bowl and tell them to gently set down on the peas. The object of the game is to move the peas, with your behind only, into the bowl. You have fifteen seconds to complete this task. When the time runs out the hostess counts up the number of peas in the bowl and writes it down. The person to get the most peas in the bowl wins. Have a towel ready, 'cause somebody is gonna end up with peas stuck on their behind. If peas are too small, you can use white grapes or, with my large-bottomed family members playin', cantaloupes.

Hey, What's in My Sock
The hostess takes a thermal sock and fills it with twenty-five different objects that pertain to Christmas (mistletoe, a bow, a figure from a nativity scene, pinecone, tinsel, unbreakable ornament, etc.). The hostess then takes a second thermal sock and puts the exact same things in it. When it's time for the party, the hostess passes out a blank sheet of paper and pen to each guest, and then explains that the socks contain twenty-five Christmas objects. Each guest must take a sock, stick their hand inside, and, without lookin', try to figure out what all the items are in one minute's time. Each guest must write down as many items as he can. When his time is up, he passes the sock on to the next person. The reason you pack up two identical sockfuls is simply to speed up the game. This way you can have two people rather than just one trying to guess the items in the sock in that same one-minute time period. Make sure to tell your guests not to call out an object. The winner is the person or persons who has the most correct items on their paper after everyone has had a chance with a sock. This can be a hoot as well.

Kiss and Tell
This game is real fun for couples. You pair up into teams of two players, and yes, married or engaged couples must make up a team. Then one team member sets down in a chair with a Santa hat on. The other team member has to put on a thick coatin' of lipstick. When the hostess says "Go," the player with the lipstick has to kiss their teammate on the face as many times as possible in thirty seconds. They can reapply the lipstick as often as they wish. If they knock their teammate's Santa hat off while kissin', they have to put the hat on and change places with their teammate. That teammate now has to apply lipstick to their lips and kiss the seated player. At the end of thirty seconds, the hostess will go around and count all the kisses on each of the seated players. The seated player with the most kisses wins for their team. This can get real good when you got older couples playin'.

Pass the Aqua Net
Line up in two teams. The first person in each team is given a can of Aqua Net to place under his or her chin. The team member must pass the can to the next in line, but neither may use his or her hands. The first team to get the can of hairspray all the way to the last person in line is the winner. If the can drops between two players, they have to pick it up, give each other's hair a quick spray, and continue from there.

Mary and Joseph Go Digital

2010-12-13T19:21:00.000-08:00

This is so clever. I'm posting it, not only to share because I think it's hilarious, but in hopes that its creative brilliance will somehow rub off on me. (*Fingers crossed for Christmas Miracle v2*)

Here's another one. This one isn't as good as the first one (says the person who hasn't had an original thought in ~~months~~ years), but definite bonus points for the great music background.

Red Light District

2010-12-11T19:21:00.000-08:00

Roxanne and Rudolph, together at last!

And what if Rudolph had been "normal"...?

Embrace diversity!

Christmas in the Park 5: Drink Up!

2010-12-10T19:21:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite Christmas stories of all time is Move Over, Santa - Ruby's Doin' Christmas! by Ruby Ann Boxcar. Sorry Rudolph, Scrooge, Ralphie, and George Bailey...Ruby and her pals at the trailer park are far more entertaining. Since I haven't had an original thought in months, and since I lovelovelove this book and re-read it every December, I thought I'd just go ahead and plagiarize some excerpts to share with you for the holiday season. Ruby, don't sue me; just consider this free advertising. Seriously, you guys need to run right over (and by "run", I mean "click") to Amazon and buy this book. Funniest. Book. Ever.

This fifth selection comes from the chapter, The First Day of Christmas - Christmas Cheer.

I've always been the first to say that my sister put the "Ho" in "Ho-Ho-Ho." It's true! When it comes to holiday cheer my sister beats the drum, crushes the ice, and shakes the shaker. And bein' the drunk that she is, I can't think of anyone better to turn to when it comes to Christmas drinks. I'm not one to brag, especially when it comes to my sister, but Donna Sue is so skilled in the art of mixology that she can mix a cocktail with her eyes closed. Bein' the good Baptist that I am, I sometimes wish I had that skill, 'cause my curtains don't close all the way in the livin' room, and I ain't got a light in my hall closet. Anyways, Donna Sue is to the world of drinks what I am to the world of food, advice, and entertainment. That's right, she's an expert.

So without further ado, here are some drinks that will definitely put the "Merry" in your "Christmas."

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
A couple of these and you'll know why his nose glows.

1 1/4 oz light rum
1 1/2 oz lemon juice
1/2 oz grenadine
Ice cubes
Hawaiian Punch
Lemon wedge for garnish

Mix the light rum, lemon juice, grenadine, and ice in a shaker. Pour over ice in a collins glass. Top off with Hawaiian Punch. Add lemon wedge and serve.

Orange Eggnog Float
I wouldn't be surprised if Bing didn't come back for a little glass of this on a White Christmas night.

4 eggs
6 T sugar
5 1/2 c orange juice, chilled
1/2 c lemon juice
1 qt vanilla ice cream
1 qt ginger ale, chilled

In a large bowl, beat your eggs and sugar until they're light. Add your juices and stir well. Gently pour this in a punch bowl. Scoop out small portions of ice cream and place 'em in the punch bowl as well. Slowly pour your ginger ale along the sides of the punch bowl so not to waste the carbonation. Stir gently. Serve in punch cups. Makes about 30 servings.

Editors note: I would definitely add some rum or vodka to this concoction. I mean, if you're gonna consume all these calories anyway, it may as well have a little kick to it. I'm just sayin'.

Christmas in the Park 4: Decorating Your Holiday Face

2010-12-09T19:21:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite Christmas stories of all time is Move Over, Santa - Ruby's Doin' Christmas! by Ruby Ann Boxcar. Sorry Rudolph, Scrooge, Ralphie, and George Bailey...Ruby and her pals at the trailer park are far more entertaining. Since I haven't had an original thought in months, and since I lovelovelove this book and re-read it every December, I thought I'd just go ahead and plagiarize some excerpts to share with you for the holiday season. Ruby, don't sue me; just consider this free advertising. Seriously, you guys need to run right over (and by "run", I mean "click") to Amazon and buy this book. Funniest. Book. Ever.

This fourth selection comes from various sections in various chapters, Puttin' Your Best Face Forward.

Seein' how this is the time of year that we spend makin' merry with our families and groups of our friends and even coworkers, the last thing we want to do is look like we've had a rough past twelve months. I know that for some of y'all, you just can't help lookin' that way, and that's okay, 'cause nobody expects you to ever look any better. But Christmas is a time for fantasy like in the Nutcracker where that little girl's nutcracker comes to life and she beats off the Mouse King with her shoe. Now that I think of it, I've known some folks who could kill a mouse just by takin' off their shoes so maybe that ain't as hard to believe as I'd first thought. In any case, y'all, and I'm includin' you ugly ones as well, can give your makeup that touch of fantasy and get away with it durin' the holiday season.

Lipstick
Bright red lipstick is the deal for Christmas. I know that some of y'all are already tryin' to talk me down on this one by sayin' that bright red lipstick will make you look like a hooker. Well trust me, hon, nobody's ever gonna mistake you for a lady of the night. You see, people actually pay them. So get out that red lipstick and put it on. The brighter the better, I say. And not only will you be makin' yourself look beautiful, but you'll be doin' a public service as well, 'cause the older folks who have problems hearin' what you're sayin' will now be able to read your flappin' red lips a lot easier.

Eye Shadow
Your eyes are the windows of your soul, so just like the windows in your trailer, they should be frosted as well. Naturally if you'd read my Down Home Trailer Park Guide to Livin' Real Good, you'd know that I always suggest wearin' blue eye shadow, so you most likely guess that I'd suggest frosted blue eye shadow for the holidays. That's right, so follow the King's advice and make this Christmas a blue Christmas, frosted of course.

Eyebrows
I understand the pain that comes when you groom your eyebrows. Why, I've even been the victim of hot wax burns. But there is no reason for bushy eyebrows at Christmastime. I don't care if you're ten or a hundred and ten, your eyebrows should look good. That don't mean you have to go out and have 'em plucked, waxed, or even shaved. Instead you can just follow my simple brow secret, Aqua Net. Just give each brow a blast of hairspray, and then use your fingers to slick each of 'em back toward the side of your head. You'll be amazed at how tame that unruly brow can become with just a little Aqua Net.

Fake Eyelashes
A gal can never go wrong with fake eyelashes, just as long as they ain't them gigantic ones that can easily cool down a room every time you bat your eyes. And even though I personally think you should always wear the black ones, I guess it's all right if you want to throw on a pair that's in seasonal colors. Those ones that got the glitter on each lash are fine as well. Just make sure that come the day after Christmas them crazy lashes go back in the bottom of your underwear drawer, only to come back out next December or if you get a job at the circus.

Stay tuned for tomorrow's lesson on mixology.

Christmas in the Park 3: The Layering of Lights

2010-12-08T19:21:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite Christmas stories of all time is Move Over, Santa - Ruby's Doin' Christmas! by Ruby Ann Boxcar. Sorry Rudolph, Scrooge, Ralphie, and George Bailey...Ruby and her pals at the trailer park are far more entertaining. Since I haven't had an original thought in months, and since I lovelovelove this book and re-read it every December, I thought I'd just go ahead and plagiarize some excerpts to share with you for the holiday season. Ruby, don't sue me; just consider this free advertising. Seriously, you guys need to run right over (and by "run", I mean "click") to Amazon and buy this book. Funniest. Book. Ever.

This third selection comes from the chapter, Preparin' Yer Trailer Inside and Out for the Holiday Season.

If you find yourself out drivin' in a trailer park community, you'll most likely notice the Christmas lights that are strung up on the trailers. Naturally we never take any of our outside lights down, but simply continue to pile 'em on top of each other. Well, this is how you can tell who has the most money in the park. The more strands of workin' lights means the most money. Don't confuse that with the most strands of lights with some workin' 'cause that is a sign of elderly folks who've been addin' more each year, but didn't have the money or the get-up-and-go to perform any kind of maintenance on them older strands of lights. As for those other trailers that y'all will see that just have a few strings of Christmas lights hangin' on 'em, they most likely are either new to the trailer park, young people in their first trailer, newlyweds, or Jewish.

Stay tuned for tomorrow's tip on decorating your holiday face.

Christmas in the Park, the Sequel: Mistletoe Placement

2010-12-07T19:21:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite Christmas stories of all time is Move Over, Santa - Ruby's Doin' Christmas! by Ruby Ann Boxcar. Sorry Rudolph, Scrooge, Ralphie, and George Bailey...Ruby and her pals at the trailer park are far more entertaining. Since I haven't had an original thought in months, and since I lovelovelove this book and re-read it every December, I thought I'd just go ahead and plagiarize some excerpts to share with you for the holiday season. Ruby, don't sue me; just consider this free advertising. Seriously, you guys need to run right over (and by "run", I mean "click") to Amazon and buy this book. Funniest. Book. Ever.

This second selection comes from the chapter, Preparin' Yer Trailer Inside and Out for the Holiday Season.

Some of ya'll don't understand how important the placement of mistletoe is in a trailer. Typically folks put it in the doorway, which is the biggest mistake in the world if you live in a trailer park. With people like my sister Donna Sue or her other trampy little coworkers from the Blue Whale Strip Club comin' over to my trailer, all I end up with is them blockin' the doorways waitin' for somebody to kiss 'em. I can't tell you how many times I've had to tell my sister to get out of the way 'cause she was blockin' the entrance into the kitchen. And I almost had a whole Christmas party go wrong when I caught an invited guest, dog-ugly Opal Lamb, standin' in the front door with the mistletoe hangin' over her head. I'd peeked out the window and wondered what all my guests were doin' standin' in my yard. Nobody wanted to go first with that old dog-face cow hoggin' the door. Needless to say, I've learned from my mistakes and now when I throw a party durin' the holiday season I hang the mistletoe over the kitchen sink. If my drunken sister or one of her friends want to wait somewhere for a kiss, they can do it in my kitchen while they wash my dishes.

Stay tuned for tomorrow's explanation of the caste system of outdoor lights.

Christmas in the Park

2010-12-06T07:21:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite Christmas stories of all time is Move Over, Santa - Ruby's Doin' Christmas! by Ruby Ann Boxcar. Sorry Rudolph, Scrooge, Ralphie, and George Bailey...Ruby and her pals at the trailer park are far more entertaining. Since I haven't had an original thought in months, and since I lovelovelove this book and re-read it every December, I thought I'd just go ahead and plagiarize some excerpts to share with you for the holiday season. Ruby, don't sue me; just consider this free advertising. Seriously, you guys need to run right over (and by "run", I mean "click") to Amazon and buy this book. Funniest. Book. Ever.

This first selection comes from the chapter, Preparin' Yer Trailer Inside and Out for the Holiday Season.

Pickin Out a Tree
Real Tree
Pros: You get a fresh tree smell in your home while it's in the house.
Cons: You have to keep it watered; the needles fall off; bugs and spiders can live in your tree; it can catch fire and burn your trailer to the ground; it only comes in one color.
Fake Tree
Pros: You can use it over and over; you can spray it down with real tree smell in a can, no waterin', no needles to clean up, since it comes in a box you ain't got no bugs or spiders to worry about, most fake trees are made with fire-retardant materials, and it comes in every color under the rainbow.
Cons: Price

Bracin' the Tree
If for some reason you feel like you've got to brace your tree by runnin' wire or fishin' string from the tree to the walls, make sure you incorporate 'em into your tree decoratin' as well. Hang ornaments from the wires and strings. Or you can also simply drape garlands on 'em.

The Lights
Now that you got your tree all standin' up and everythin', it's time to put on the lights.....Go to the first branch either at the top or at the bottom, find the middle of that branch and wrap your lights around it. Next, grab some clear packin' tape and wrap it around the branch one time just to make sure that your lights ain't comin' off. Do this on each branch after you've done the lights. Just make sure you get the nonflammable kind of tape.

Garland
After the lights are finished, it's time to add garland.....Feel free to put several different types of garland on as well, just make sure that they're vivid. If you want to use rbbon, that's good, too, just make sure that it's wide and colorful.....Another good item to use for garland is barbed wire. This is especially handy if you got cats that like to climb in trees or children who need to learn not to touch the Christmas tree. I'd even suggest electrical fence wire for this same reason, but you'll have a large enough electric bill from the lights alone, so forget that one.

Tinsel
Tinsel can be real pretty on a tree as well.....You can't just take a handful and toss it on the tree.....Take a handful and lay it over your hand. Use your thumb to hold it in place. Next, turn on your hair dryer, aim it at your hand, which should be facin' the tree, and slowly ease up with your thumb, releasin' just a few strands of tinsel at a time. Keep doin' this at different parts of the tree, and you'll have that son of a gun tinseled in no time. Just remember to keep movin' your hand and the blow-dryer in a steady pace so as not to overtinsel any one area.

Stay tuned for tomorrow's tip on the proper placement of mistletoe. Speaking of...enjoy this tidbit of mistletoe humor...

Time to Put On Your Yarmulke

2010-12-01T19:21:00.000-08:00

This never gets old!

Where the Wild Thing Is

2010-01-23T19:21:00.000-08:00

The Husband bought me a new journal called Listography: Your Life in Lists to help jumpstart my writing-block cure. I can think of few things I love more than lists. Of course if it's an alphabetized list in an Excel spreadsheet I'm over the moon, but spontaneous hand-written lists rank right up there, too. The first two were "List Places You've Lived" and "List People You've Lived With". And they only gave me one page for each. Really? I have lived at 30 different addresses with 27 different roommates since leaving home when I was 18 years old. Like I've said before, I get bored. And no, I'm not running from the law. Yet.
Residence #1 - Childhood Home: Of course this was the dream home I never realized was a dream home until I got out into the real world. 3ish acres, lakefront, 5br/3ba, fireplace, within spitting distance of The Mouse.....no big deal, right? I'll just pick one of those up at Target this afternoon.

During the summers we spent every day in the lake - swimming, boating, skiing, fishing. (And no, I had never even heard of SPF anything, which is why I'm currently keeping the Botox people in business.) Every afternoon, we would engage in "The Orange Wars" while racing our horses through the orange groves. Sometimes we would even ride on the golf courses, which appalls me now that I'm an adult who plays golf. We had a treehouse that we camped out in sometimes, even though I was terrified of the roaches that would lie in wait and pounce in the middle of the night. We ran rampant through the woods next door and continued to re-build the same fort over and over and over again. As we got older, we discovered that these secret locales made for great partying and parking spots. Just kidding, Mom and Dad. If you're reading this, I'm totally just kidding. Really. I am.

Residences #2-5 - College (10 roommates total): My first dorm in college was UN-AIRCONDITIONED, on the 4th floor (no elevator) of an all girls building. Visualize, if you will, the misery of Sorority Rush (i.e. makeup, hot curlers, pantyhose) in August in Florida while living in this sweatbox. My second dorm room was on the 11th floor (elevator, thank goodness) of a co-ed high-rise building. One minor drawback was when someone would pull the fire alarm and we'd have to walk down 11 flights of stairs and then back up. This happened on a regular basis and I had beautiful legs. My third dorm room was juuuussst right. It was the place to be because we were right next to "Broward Beach" - the pool and lawn where everyone went to see and be seen. I mean, to study.
Then, when my dorm stint was over, I moved into the "Red-Velvet-Couch Apartment". The RVC Apartment is a story for another time, but let's just say.....well, never mind. We went to class/work/church, studied hard, and that's all we did. Really, Mom and Dad, that's what we did.
Residence #9 (1 roommate): An apartment right across the street from the beach over a drive-thru-brew in Daytona Beach. You know what they say...location, location, location.
Residences #11-15 (1 husband): You'd think since I'd "settled down" and married that I would stay in once place, right? Not even close. 4 apartments and 1 house in less than 6 years. My most icky memory at #13 was getting peeped. Scared me to death and then the cop implied that it was my fault for walking around MY OWN HOME half-naked at 5am. Um, yeah, I was asking for it. We moved the next week.
Residence #18 (parents): Sanibel Island - ahhhh. Just for a summer, though.
Residence #22 (2 roommates): A house right behind a shopping mall - another excellent location. My favorite memory was stopping by the "Hot Donuts Now" Krispy Kreme on the way home on Fridays, and then eating doughnuts and drinking Miller Lite while watching Boy Meets World. Rockin' the Friday night, huh? Although we did occasionally rock the Friday night and I have a distinct memory that involves black vomit and white carpet, but I probably don't need to give you the play-by-play on that one.
Residence #24 (1 boyfriend): A house with the man who stole my last 4 childbearing years. Not that I'm bitter.
Residence #26: Hurricane House. Seriously, the day after the movers came, Hurricane Charley showed up. Then Frances and Jeanne followed. I learned that electricity should never be taken for granted.
Residences #27-28 (1 roommate): Like, I was totally, like, ya know, like, a Valley Girl. Oh, and btw, that "it's a dry heat" line doesn't help when it's 110 degrees during the summer. NOT that I'm complaining because I loved every red-hot minute of it. However, I do understand when people say they don't step foot into the Valley from June through September.
Residences #29-30 (1 husband): Done. I know I've said this before, but this time I realllllllyyy mean it.....I'm never moving again. Even though we have a treasure-trove of moving boxes stashed in the garage, just in case.

Honey, Let's Shrink the Waist!

2010-01-04T07:21:00.000-08:00

2010 New Year's Resolutions...same lies, different year. 'Nuf said.

However, in keeping with my "new and improved" inspirations, I do have a new project that I'd like to announce for those of you who actually keep resolutions. How about a SHRINK-a-thon? As in shrinking the waistline? You know those walk-a-thon things we used to do as kids? (Remember the March of Dimes 21 mile Walk-a-thon in Orlando about 30ish years ago? Do they still do that?) You get someone to sponsor you, say, $1/mile and then if you finish the whole thing they owe your charity $21. Or, they could even sponsor you 10 cents/mile (we were in Jr. High, after all) and then owe $2.10 at the end. You get the idea.

So here's the deal.....AFSP is sponsoring a shrink-a-thon starting JANUARY 10th for the next 12 weeks. 12 weeks - that's it. Think about it - if you sponsored someone like me $1/lb, you'd probably only end up spending $12 at the most, because I'm such a slacker. Of course if you sponsored someone motivated, like most of my friends, you'd end up owing more. But here's the bonus - all the money raised goes to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.

How does it work, you ask? First of all, you need to register on the official AFSP shrink-a-thon page. This gives you access to our virtual "meetings", as well as recipes, tips, advice, etc. Even if you register and change your mind, that's okay. (Trust me, I'm a flip-flopper, so I know about commitment angst.) But seriously, it's only for 12 weeks. 12 weeks! Even I can stick with that! You can dooooooo it!

Click to enlarge.

Rudolph, With Your Nose So Bright.....

2009-12-04T19:21:00.000-08:00

Can you believe Rudolph just turned 70? And apparently botox is his friend because he still looks good as a septuagenarian. Jealous. So, to honor him, I'm going to plagiarize and post some fun facts from my favorite magazine, Mental Floss.

1. Rudolph was created in 1939 when Montgomery Ward asked one of their writers to come up with a character they could base coloring books around so they would have freebies to give out to the kids who came to visit Santa. Obviously, it was a huge hit. They gave out 2.4 million coloring books the first year and then Rudolph ended up going commercial.

2. Rollo and Reginald were two of the potential names before Rudolph was chosen. Rollo was rejected for sounding too sunny and happy; Reginald sounded too British. And Rudolph sounds.....?

3. Petteri Punakuono is Rudolph’s Finnish alter-ego. Say what?! Apparently the Finnish Santa Claus, Joulupukki or Yule Goat, doesn’t name his reindeer the same way we do – Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixon...(can you name them all?) – so the beginning of the song doesn’t start out the same way. Instead, the Finnish version is something like, "You remember Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Little Red Riding Hood and the grey wolf, but this reindeer is often forgotten." Gosh, I can't understand why anyone would forget a simple name like Petteripunakuonosaywhat?!?

4. Although the story came out in 1939, the song wasn’t recorded until ten years later by Gene Autry. He almost passed on the opportunity, but his wife talked him into it (smart woman behind the scenes, of course). The song hit #1 on the charts during the week of Christmas and then nada. It’s the only song in history to ever hit #1 and then just disappear.

5. In addition to barely escaping the Rollo or Reggie moniker, Rudolph almost guided Santa’s sleigh with huge headlight eyes instead of a glowing red nose. Which sounds better? "Rollo, the bug-eyed reindeer, had very large protruding eyes" OR "Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose." You decide.

6. The puppets used for the TV special disappeared until Santa and Rudolph resurfaced on the Antiques Roadshow in 2006. Some lady who worked for the show had them stored in her attic after her kids outgrew playing with them. Now they're fully restored and they were on display at the Center for Puppetry Arts, but now some dude from Time & Space Toys has them. BTW, the TV special is the longest-running Christmas TV special of all time.

7. Apparently Rudolph hooked up with Clarice at some point because they have a son named Robbie, according to the BBC. They made some shows about Robbie, but never actually mentioned Baby-Daddy. Supposedly the villain is Blitzen and he can’t stand to hear Rudolph’s name. The truth is, it’s because the BBC couldn’t get permission to use it. Fox Family ran the show for a few years in the early ’00s with redubbed voices: Ben Stiller as Robbie, Hugh Grant as Blitzen, Britney Spears as Donner, Leah Remini as Vixen, and Brad Garrett as Prancer.

So there you have it. Happy Birthday, Dear/Deer Rudolph, Happy Birthday to you! And many more!

Words on Wednesday

2009-05-27T07:21:00.000-07:00

Lesson 6 TEST - And here we go again... Based on the underlined word(s), choose the correct phrase from Columns A or B:

	A	B
1.	a Florida Gators fan	an Florida Gators fan
2.	a Auburn Tigers fan	an Auburn Tigers fan
3.	a UF student	an UF student
4.	a University of Florida student	an University of Florida student
5.	a honor	an honor
6.	a house	an house
7.	a FSU fan	an FSU fan
8.	a Florida State University fan	an Florida State University fan
9.	a LSU fan	an LSU fan
10.	a Louisiana State University fan	an Louisiana State University fan
11.	a FEDEX employee	an FEDEX employee
12.	a historic event	an historic event

If you chose the following correct answers, congratulations! If you did not select the correct answers, click here to review.

1) A	2) B	3) A	4) A	5) B	6) A
7) B	8) A	9) B	10) A	11) A	12) A

Well kids, I gotta tell ya, I'm bored with grammar right now, so I don't have a new lesson for you. Consider it a "movie day" for English class today and enjoy the goof-off time! Until next week.....Love, The Grammar Police

Words on Wednesday

2009-05-20T07:21:00.000-07:00

Lesson 5 TEST - Yay, another quiz! Based on the underlined word(s), choose the correct sentence/phrase:

#1	A. Hollywood discovered it's Golden Boy in Jake Gyllenhaal.
	B. Hollywood discovered its Golden Boy in Jake Gyllenhaal.
#2	A. It's unfortunate that Jake has not discovered me, yet.
	B. Its unfortunate that Jake has not discovered me, yet.
#3	A. Our’s would be a whirlwind romance like no other.
	B. Ours would be a whirlwind romance like no other.

If you chose B for #1, A for #2, and B for #3, congratulations! If you did not select the correct answers, click here to review.

Week 6, Lesson 6, is going to be an easy one: a vs. an. Okay, we all remember learning that you should use a if the next word starts with a consonant and an if it start with a vowel. For example: a Florida Gators fan; an Auburn Tigers fan. (F in Florida=consonant; A in Auburn=vowel) Sounds perfectly logical, right?

Of course there's a trick. What they forgot to tell us (or, more likely, I may have been off-task that day) is that it's not just a vowel you have to look out for, it's the vowel sound, which gets especially tricky when you're talking about abbreviations or acronyms.

Even though "u" is a vowel, it makes a consonant sound, therefore a goes before it. A UF student; A University of Florida student.
Even though "h" is a consonant, sometimes it makes a vowel sound and gets an and other times it makes a consonant sound and gets a. An honor; A house.
For abbreviations, you have to think of what the sound is rather than what the letter stands for. So "f" makes a consonant sound when it starts a word, but a vowel sound when it starts an abbreviation. (Same with h, l, m, n, r, s, x.) An FSU fan; A Florida State University fan; An LSU fan; A Louisiana State University fan.
For acronyms (abbreviations that are spoken like words), you treat it the same as you would the word. A FEDEX employee.
Of course there's a screwy one. Ya know how sometimes people say "istoric" instead of "historic"? If you're one of those people, you should use an. However, even though there's a lot of leniency from the Grammar Police on this issue, a is preferred in formal writing.

Have an awesome day and a fabulous week! Until next week.....Love, The Grammar Police

Shake, Rattle, and Roll

2009-05-19T19:21:00.000-07:00

The first thing everyone says to you when you live in California is, "Aren't you afraid of the earthquakes?" Ummm, no, not any more than Florida's hurricanes. In fact, I kinda thought earthquakes were an urban legend, having never actually experienced one. All the times I'd traveled here and nary a jiggle. The closest I'd ever come to even caring was when my sister called after the Northridge one to inform me that she and her hubby were having sex during it and she really did feel the earth move. Yeah, TMI, but funny. Even while living here my experience with earthquakes has been minimal, until just recently, that is. I actually lived here 3 years before I even felt my first one. And can I tell you, what a letdown! I was sitting on the couch and felt a bump - like maybe a truck backed into the building - and it lasted all of 1 second. For the next one, I just thought it was Thumper - our upstairs neighbor who walked like a marching band. Again, it lasted for about 1 second. However, a few weeks ago I finally experienced a real one. And then again a few days ago. And then again today. Now, I know I'm not supposed to say this, but....it was really fun! Each of them lasted for about 10 seconds and it felt like sitting on a vibrating bed or one of those massaging chairs. I have to admit, though, it kinda made me nervous when it went on for more than a couple of seconds and I did have a fleeting thought of "what do I do?" Plus, it's kinda weird to walk in a room and see all the drawers flung open or glasses bobbled to the very edge of the china cabinet shelves.

Of course after discovering the earthquakes are not urban legends, I had to learn a new mantra. Ya know how when you're a kid and you learn "stop, drop, and roll" for fire drama? Well, for earthquake drama you're supposed to learn "duck, cover, and hold" as in get under a table and hold onto it. However, make sure it's not the kitchen table, because supposedly the kitchen is the most un-safe place because of the flying pots/pan/knives/glass. Also, if the power goes out, use a flashlight instead of candles because apparently gas leaks are common and it would kinda suck to survive the shaking and then blow up the house with a flick of a bic. So now with all this extensive research, I'm pretty much an expert, don'tcha think? And no, I'm still not afraid. Or impressed.

Words on Wednesday

2009-05-13T07:21:00.000-07:00

Lesson 4 TEST - Here we go again... Based on the underlined word(s), choose the correct sentence/phrase:

#1	A. The Gators wish they had 10 Tim Tebow's.
	B. The Gators wish they had 10 Tim Tebows.
#2	A. Tebows' skills are pure awesomeness.
	B. Tebows skills are pure awesomeness.
	C. Tebow's skills are pure awesomeness.
#3	A. All little boys' dreams involve playing Gator football.
	B. All little boys dreams involve playing Gator football.

If you chose B for #1, C for #2, and A for #3, congratulations! If you did not select the correct answers, click here to review.

Week 5, Lesson 5, as promised, addresses the apostrophe as it relates to contractions and the dreaded its vs. it's dilemma. Okay, basic review of contractions: two words combined to make one. For example: it is = it’s, is not = isn’t, you are = you’re, he is = he’s …and many, many more. As you can see, when you combine them, the apostrophe replaces the missing letter. Easy, peasy.

Now, here's the thing:

It’s only has an apostrophe if it is used as a contraction. Only! “Hollywood discovered it’s Golden Boy in Jake Gyllenhaal,” should be “Hollywood discovered its Golden Boy in Jake Gyllenhaal.”
When its is used for possession, no apostrophe is necessary. Ever! “Its unfortunate that Jake has not discovered me, yet,” should be “It’s unfortunate that Jake has not discovered me, yet.”
Same with any possessive pronouns. There’s no such thing as your’s or our’s. Not ever! “Our’s would be a whirlwind romance like no other,” should be “Ours would be a whirlwind romance like no other.”

If you can take away one thing from this lesson, let it be this: just because you see an “s” does NOT mean an apostrophe will make a good date. Be careful in your matchmaking! For more information to make your brain explode, check out this apostrophe usage flowchart. Until next week.....Love, The Grammar Police

Happy Mother's Day!

2009-05-10T18:38:00.000-07:00

I'm sure you've all heard this before, but just in case you haven't.....Click on the picture to hear the funniest Mother's Day song EVER. And yes, this is an actual picture of my room as a teenager.

Words on Wednesday

2009-05-06T19:21:00.000-07:00

Lesson 3 TEST - I think I'm enjoying this a little too much. Here goes... Based on the underlined word(s), choose the correct sentence/phrase:

#1	A. I bet your sick of hearing about Jake and Colin by now.
	B. You're right - I spend way too much time talking about them.
#2	A. I'm open to you're suggestions for new pretend-boyfriends.
	B. Maybe I could have your pretend-boyfriend, instead.

If you chose B for #1 and B for #2, congratulations! If you did not select the correct answers, click here to review.

Week 4, Lesson 4 involves something I wasn't going to address here, but I've had requests. See, I'm not a big fan of punctuation. I hate commas, I use way too many elipses and dashes, and I'm never sure whether to put punctuation inside or outside of quotation marks. I also write in incomplete sentences, inappropriately capitalize words, and sometimes even use slang. (However, when I do write "ain't" or "dunno" or "gonna", you'd better believe they're spelled correctly.) None of which I plan to address here, because I'm more about the correct spelling/usage of words. Just the words, ma'am. But there is this one teensy tiny little punctuation error that I wish to rid the world of: the dreaded apostrophe mishap. Don't feel bad, folks. I don't think I learned this until I was a senior in college. A senior in college as an English major. Probably should've picked that one up a little earlier in my studies, huh?

Anyway, here's the deal:

Plain ol' plurals never get apostrophes. Ever. So "The Gators wish they had 10 Tim Tebow's" should really be "The Gators wish they had 10 Tim Tebows". No apostrophe necessary. Ever.
If something owns something else, it gets an apostrophe s. Always. "Tebow's skills are pure awesomeness", not "Tebows skills are pure awesomeness" or "Tebows' skills are pure awesomeness". (Tim Tebow owns skills.) And yes, awesomeness is a word. Sorta.

Here's the tricky part:

Plurals that own something still get an apostrophe s. For example, "All little boys's dreams involve playing Gator football" is absolutely correct. (Plural boys own dreams.) However, the reason you don't see s's that much is because we usually reduce it to lowest terms, just like math. In other words, you don't want an extra s hanging out, so it gets lopped off and that's how "All little boys' dreams involve playing Gator football" becomes the more common of the two sentences. To be honest, I don't even know what "reduce to lowest terms" means in math, but that's how it was explained to me, so I roll with it.

Next week I'll address the apostrophe as it relates to contractions, plus the dreaded its vs. it's dilemma, but I've had just about enough apostrophe talk for today. Until next week.....Love, The Grammar Police

"My name is H.I. McDonnaugh. Call me Hi."

2009-05-03T20:56:00.000-07:00

I love Nicolas Cage. It's true - weirdo that he is - he is one of my perpetual favorites. Once upon a time when I was 20-something and made my first trip to CA with my friend, Lin, to visit our friend, A-squared, he became the first victim of my stalking obsession. Of course back then we were way less sophisticated (because I'm super sophisticated now) and actually thought buying a "Map to the Stars' Homes" would really direct us to the stars' homes. So Lin and I set out one day to find Nicolas Cage's home. It was an apartment building, so we walked right up and, lo and behold, discovered "the doorman". Like I said, we were 20-something and obviously had never lived in a building with any type of security at that point in our lives. So, since we couldn't get in to walk right up to Nic's apartment, knock on his door, and invite ourselves in for dinner, we sat on the bus-stop bench across the street to devise a plan. Then we realized it was around 5ish, so he would probably be coming home from work soon. (Because all actors work 9-5, right? And even if he did, making it home any sooner than the required 2-hour stint on the 405 would be a miracle. But, hey, what do we know?) So, we decided to walk circles around the apartment building to see who had the prettiest curtains up at the penthouse level, because that would probably be his place. Brilliant, I tell you! Then we patrolled the parking garage for all the cool cars coming in to see if he was in one of them. More brilliance, I tell you! Hey - at least we didn't break in and try on his clothes.

Although we never met Nic that day, Lin did meet him years later at Gladstones. He was sitting at the table next to her and spilled his beer on her leg. (And no, of course she's never washed that leg - have you been paying attention?) I think he apologized and then asked her to run off to a remote island with him and they lived happily ever after. I think. I could be wrong, though.

Anyway, the reason I'm tripping down Nicolas-Cage-memory-lane is because I read this article the other day about his weirdness. And it just made me love him even more. If you thought he topped out at naming his kid after Superman, think again...

Nic once ate a real cockroach in a movie. Actually, he ate a trio of real cockroaches, because it took three takes to get it just right. While filming 1989's "Vampire's Kiss," Nic did his own stunt eating and swallowed the crusty insects. The script had his character eating raw eggs, but Cage didn't think that would be weird enough.

Nic admitted once to having a pet octopus, claiming that studying beings that are totally different helps him with his acting. Guess that also explains the salt-water sharks, the lizard, and the crocodile. For a time, he even had two pet King Cobras (Moby and Sheba) that he would observe for hours from a specially constructed cell in his home, with a glass of wine in his hand and a bottle of poison antidote very nearby. One night he mentioned his pets on "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno," and his neighbors immediately began fighting to get the poisonous reptiles removed. Cage donated them to a local zoo a short time later.

He proposed to Patricia Arquette the day they met. The story goes that Nic told Patricia on the day they met that he loved her and was going to marry her. (Which is exactly what I would do if I met him, so why is that so odd?) She then gave him a scavenger-hunt list of impossible tasks to prove his love. When he returned with several of the items she requested (including reclusive author J. D. Salinger's autograph), Arquette fled, frightened by the intensity of his enthusiasm. It wasn't until they met again eight years later that they fell in love and wed. The couple separated after nine months.

Nic once had the biggest celebrity comic book collection ever, which sold at auction for $1.68 million. He and his older son, Weston, wrote a comic book series called "Voodoo Child". In fact, Cage loves comics so much that his stage name was taken from a comic book character, Luke Cage, and his son with his third wife, Alice Kim Cage, is named after none other than Superman himself, Kal-el. (Or as Lin says "Nic, what the hell-el were you thinking?")

So far the closest I've ever come to meeting Nic was pole-dancing on the giant martini glass at the Copolla winery in Napa. Another story for another time. And you thought he was the weird one!

Words on Wednesday

2009-04-29T19:21:00.000-07:00

Lesson 2 TEST - I keep telling you there are tests! Here goes... Based on the underlined word(s), choose the correct sentence/phrase:

#1	A. Some people might think I'm a looser for stalking Colin Farrell the way I do.
	B. And that I'm also a loser for stalking Jake Gyllenhaal the way I do.
#2	A. I'm afraid if I stop stalking Jake, I'll lose him to Reese.
	B. I'm also afraid I might loose Colin to any bimbo in Hollywood.
#3	A. Colin's idea of commitment is kinda loose, rumor has it.
	B. Of course in Hollywood, everyone's idea of commitment is kinda lose.

If you chose B for #1, A for #2, and A for #3, congratulations! If you did not select the correct answers, click here to review.

Week 3, Lesson 3, makes reference to some of my favorite teaching moments. At the end of the year I would always get these cards that said, "Your a great teacher." Apparently not. Because if I was, then they would know that the sentiment should read, "You're a great teacher." I guess it's the thought that counts.

So here's the lesson:

Your is possessive. It means you own something. For example, your diamond rings, your mansion in Malibu, or your Rolls Royce.
You're is a contraction of you and are. For example, "You're (you are) living in a dream world."
ur is obnoxious textspeak for your, you're, or you are and it drives me crazy when used anywhere other than text messages (actually it drives me crazy there, too). Stop already with the ruination of the written English language!

Easy, right? Now you're never going to make this mistake again, right? Until next week.....Love, The Grammar Police

Detour to the Huntington (or "A Tour of SoCal" as I like to call it)

2009-04-27T15:42:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago we got an invitation to attend a luncheon at "The Huntington Gardens". Since I'm still new to CA (of course I will still be using that excuse in another 20 years) and I have no sense of direction, I did the usual look-it-up-on-Mapquest thing to have as a backup to my GPS. I'm pretty paranoid about being lost since, as previously stated, I have no sense of direction and because of that I never drive anywhere. Everything I need is within walking/biking distance for me - beach, grocery store, bank, bars, restaurants, etc. - and I'll take a train or bus whenever available. I pretend like I'm "green", but I really just hate to drive. Therefore, when The Husband said "You drive - I'm tired", not only was I shocked (because he loves to drive), but I was less than thrilled.

So off we go. To Huntington Gardens in Huntington Beach...supposedly. Except when we got to the address and...uh...surprise...? We had arrived at Huntington Gardens APARTMENTS. Gee thanks, Mapquest. And my usually trusty GPS (whose name is actually "Mr. Cars-Guard" - get it?) was no help at all. So after driving around for a while, we decided to go old-school and call 411. They connected us right away to "Huntington Gardens" and we got new directions...to "Huntington Gardens RETIREMENT HOME". Are you kidding me?!?!!! So then we do the Blackberry search thing and realize that "The Huntington Gardens" is really called "The Huntington: Library, Art Collections, and Botanical Gardens". In Pasadena. Easily an hour north of Huntington Beach. On the 405. Duh-ork alert.

Needless to say, we missed the luncheon. However, we had a great time once we finally arrived. The Blue Boy (no, not the band or the magazine - the Gainsborough painting) resides there, plus they were having a Lincoln exhibit, which was pretty cool.

(Click to enlarge pictures.) Here's one of the many library sitting rooms. Wouldn't you love to curl up with a good book in front of this fireplace?

Or gaze out these beautiful stained glass windows?

Check out Blue Boy and his gal pal, Pinkie.

Storyboards for Cinderella: Of The Fortune of the Maid Who Was Called Cindermaid and Was Afterwards a Queen (You really need to click to enlarge this one.)

The Gutenberg Bible - one of the three vellum copies in the United States. And no, it's not Steve Gutenburg's bible.

I also have millions of pictures of flowers - don't worry, I won't bore you with them. The gardens were so beautiful that I'm hoping they cured my black thumb by osmosis. If not, I'll just post the pictures all around my balcony and have a pretend garden. Despite the brain-dead beginning to the day, we had a fabulous time. If you ever get a chance to go to the Huntington, definitely go. Just don't call me for directions.

Words on Wednesday

2009-04-22T05:00:00.000-07:00

Lesson 1 TEST - I told you there'd be a test! What, you thought I was kidding? Oh ye of little faith! Here goes... Based on the underlined word(s), choose the correct sentence/phrase:

#1	A. I love Jake Gyllenhaal alot.
	B. I also love Colin Farrell allott.
	C. I spend a lot of time stalking Jake and Colin.
	D. I also spend allot of time in the fantasyland that is my mind.
#2	A. I should of met Jake or Colin by now.
	B. If only I would of stalked them a little more.
	C. I could of been Jake's girlfriend instead of Reese.
	D. Or maybe I could have made a home movie with Colin.

If you chose C for #1 and D for #2, congratulations! You are the next contestant on "The Answer is Right" - c'mon down. If you did not select the correct answers, click here to review.

Week 2, Lesson 2 was hard to pick. I've been overwhelmed with requests, which makes my heart sing. This means I am not the only member of the GP squad. Yay for all of us who sweat the small stuff.

I'm going to go with the Lose vs. Loose mystery this week:

Lose (verb) rhymes with ooze and means to misplace something; Loser (noun) rhymes with boozer and sometimes if you're a boozer, you're also a loser. Not always, though.
Loose (adjective) rhymes with goose and means, well, let's just say "not tight"; Looser (adjective) rhymes with gooser. Yeah, I know it's not a word, but I couldn't find a real word that rhymed.

Although it all seems simple enough on the surface, when writing it out it gets confusing because they both have an "ooooo" sound so we tend to throw in an extra "o". I guess the easiest way to remember this one is to think of the signs in Vegas that say "loose slots". Now why would they advertise slot machines that you would lose (misplace) money in? They wouldn't. They're advertising slot machines that are not tight, in other words, machines that will give it up rather easily. Your money, that is. I think I saw this casino ad once and it's the perfect example: Only a loser would look anywhere else for looser slots.

Yup - it'll be on the test. Until next week.....Love, The Grammar Police

Out of the Mouths of Babes

2009-04-21T05:50:00.000-07:00

I've been spending time with my Godson, Spawn o' King, this week, which reminds me of one of my favorite SOK stories. One day we were hanging out at the riding stables watching some riders and petting/feeding carrots to the horses. As we came upon each stall, SOK asked me if it was a boy or girl horse. I would look and then answer. A few minutes later, SOK asks me how I know if it's a boy or girl. Hmmmm..... Well, although he's only 7, I figure it's never too early to learn the correct terms. Forget the "peanut", "hoo-hoo", and "va-jay-jay" code words - I'll just jump right in. So I said, "A boy horse has a penis and a girl doesn't." He contemplates this for a minute, looks, and then proclaims, "Wow, theirs are really big, like twice as big as mine." Twice. Not 3-4-5 times as big, just twice. And then I realized this is how it starts.....the lifelong exaggeration of penis size. They just can't help themselves.

Words on Wednesday

2009-04-15T00:01:00.000-07:00

Words on Wednesday is my latest creation where I will impart a little English teacher goodness to the masses. I figure with all the teacher layoffs, budget cuts, and school closings, I should do my part to prevent the dumbing down of society. Of course I realize that boat might've already sailed. Actually, I really just need a forum in which to bitch about my grammar pet peeves. (Grammar on Wednesday didn't have the alliteration thing going for it.) Plus, I miss teaching. Not to be confused with babysitting. So anyway, here we go - week 1, lesson 1. And yes, it's on the test.

Pet peeve numero uno (ask any of my 2000 former students).....A lot is 2 words. A (space) lot, not alot. It's that simple. Not a lot of brain power required to remember that one. (Learn more about the alot.)
Of is not a verb...have is...they are not interchangeable. For example: He should have listened to his English teacher. Not: He should of listened to his English teacher.

Please feel free to contribute any of your own peeves and I will gladly post them. Until next week.....Love, The Grammar Police

Trick or Treat?

2009-04-11T07:21:00.000-07:00

I know, I know - it's Easter, not Halloween, but check this out - in Sweden they have Easter Witches! And...they go trick-or-treating on Easter Eve! And...since Halloween is my all time favorite holiday, I'm wondering if I can book an immediate flight to Sweden. This way I can partake in two Halloweens in one year - a dream come true. Apparently, Easter week is the time of year associated with witches and the devil, which is kinda weird considering we associate it with pretty much the exact opposite.

"People believed that witches were especially active and their black magic especially powerful during this week...On Maundy Thursday they were thought to fly off on brooms to consort with the devil at some place called blåkulla, returning the following Saturday. On their way back, Swedes would light fires to scare them away, a practice honored today by the bonfires and fireworks across the land in the days leading up to Sunday."

The kids dress up as påskkäringar (witches) or påsktroll (trolls) and go door to door with a copper kettle looking for treats. Trick-or-treating in April - awesome! Kinda like a spring scrimmage game before the fall sport takes place.

Here are some other worldly Easter holiday traditions I discovered. Can you believe the entire world doesn't do the exact same thing we do? Shocking, I know.

Hot cross buns are traditionally eaten on Good Friday in Great Britain. Get it - hot "cross" buns?
Wearing new clothes at Easter time supposedly means good luck for the remainder of the year, which is why shopping should always be a priority in my opinion. Back in the day, New Yorkers would parade around in their fancy new duds after church and that's how the Fifth Avenue Easter Parade got its start. It's not a holiday until there's a parade and you know how I love parades.
Several Latin American countries and some parts of Greece have the "Burning of Judas", which involves stringing up and burning/exploding an effigy representing that dude who sold out Jesus. In recent years, crowds have used the effigies to represent politicians, etc., who have wronged the people. (Insert self-control...must not comment on deserving candidates...)
In Bermuda they fly kites on Good Friday. Supposedly, way back when, a teacher needed a way to demonstrate the ascension of Christ into heaven so he used a kite decorated with a picture of Jesus to get the point across. Pretty good, huh? Now, everyone flies multicolored kites on Good Friday.

Gotta go - must pack! I wish the Concorde was still running.

Thanks For Playing, But Nooooo

2009-04-10T23:49:00.000-07:00

I've been de-nied! I know, I know, that doesn't narrow it down much - men, schools, jobs, credit, you name it, I've been rejected by it at some point in my life. However, this time I've been rejected in Blogland. How is that possible, you say? Well, I tried to join a network of fellow bloggers and for a chance at hanging with the in-crowd they evaluated my blahblahblahblahg. And they rejected me. Why, you ask? For - get this - not writing often enough!!!!! What?!?!?! You mean I can't just skate by, doing as little as possible, and expect to get what I want? How un-American! Welllll, I'll show them! I'll start writing more. Wait a sec.....have I been reverse psychologied here?

Okay, so basically, I got nothin'. Pretty soon I'll become the Seinfeld show of blogs: the blog about nothing. However, I do read a lot of interesting stuff throughout the day (while I'm procrastinating) so allow me to share some interesting blog-bits.

The Room: You know you have one; ours is called "The Panic Room" and has nothing to do with Jodi Foster's movie. When I read this, I realized that my husband is a bigamist because obviously he is married to this author also. What with the hoarding and the "don't throw anything away unless you show it to me first" mentality, isn't it obvious? Oh, and if my ex-husband is reading this and says something about my stash of majorette uniforms and batons from 1978, he is lying. Really. Because I got rid of those things 4 whole years ago.

Bacon Explosion: Bacon is one of my favorite foods, but this creation transcends all bacon love. Be sure to keep 911 on speed dial because you will most likely have chest pains by just looking at the recipe.

I Like Square Butts and I Cannot Lie: If you don't click on any other link in this post, you must check this one out. Sir Mix-A-Lot and Sponge Bob - what's not to love?

So, in my quest to meet the minimum writing requirement of twice a week, stay tuned for more. And please refrain from the I-told-you-so's.

There's a Party in Heaven Today

2009-04-07T19:21:00.000-07:00

I just walked outside and it's raining. In California. In April. Normally this would irritate me, because I HATE RAIN, but today I like to think it's champagne raining down from heaven. My Aunt June must've finally gotten checked into her room and those who've been waiting for her have popped the bubbly. Let the party begin!

Because I so often live in the pretend life in my head, it's really no wonder that I've made up a heavenly pretend life to get me through the sadness of death. It goes something like this.....First of all you meet up with all of my friends, family, and pets, even if you didn't actually know them, and they immediately offer you your favorite vice - usually a martini and a cigarette - and then you become fast friends. Then, you NEVER have to exercise, unless you want to, and you NEVER get fat, and you NEVER get wrinkles, and you get to do anything you want. Anything. Like if you always wanted to be a ballerina, done. If you get bored with that and then want to be a professional tennis player, done, plus you get to hit with Arthur Ashe. And all dogs/cats get to chase things, eat non-stop, and bark/scratch without getting yelled at.

So when June entered today, she had tons of fun people waiting for her and now they're having...what is it those kids say...a "rager"? Oh yeah, in heaven you're young enough to use words that no one over 30 here on earth should ever utter. Anyway, this rager has an impressive guest list. First of all, she met some people she didn't actually know, but since they're my friends, they became her friends (everyone gets a "friend suggestion request" in heaven). There's BFF King's sister, Shannon, and father, Tony the King, and BFF Carrie-ITC's daughter, Jessica, and doggie, Rosie, and BFF Jilly G's friend Eric, and my ex-step-father-in-law, Hank. Then there's people she knows, like my sister, Jenny, her sister/my Aunt Diane, Grandma and Grandpa, her aunts/my great-aunts Eileen and Flossie, my doggie, Lucy, my kitty, Samantha. I'm sure there are so many more and I'm sure they're having the time of their lives celebrating their lives. I am so sad that Aunt Junie is gone from this world, but I guess I have to settle for knowing that she'll throw me a good party when I get to her world. Hopefully my invitation is in the mail.....snail mail, not FedEx.

Aunt Diane, Aunt June, Grandma, Grandpa, Jenny, Aunt Eileen, Aunt Flossie, Hank, Lucy, Rosie, Shannon, Tony the King, Eric

Celebrity Stalker Sweepstakes

2009-03-20T19:21:00.000-07:00

Well, technically it's not a sweepstakes, but it is a point system upon which we will establish our self-worth throughout the year. Okay, so "self-worth" might be a little melodramatic, but you get the idea.

Let me just say up front that Carrie-in-the-City flat-out won last year. Her celeb sightings were so plentiful that she should probably have her own IMDB page. For example, she traveled with Bruce Springsteen and the E-Street Band throughout the year, so she met Little Steven, Nils Lofgren, and Gary Talent. Her organization held a celebrity fundraiser and her “job” was to pick up Joey “Pants” Pantaleone and drive him to the event. Then, she hung out with the Pope. Oh yeah, and then there was the President…yes, of the United States. So basically, all of this made my little Matthew McConaughey groping incident seem miniscule in comparison. (Not that Matthew is miniscule by any means!) That's okay - game on for 2009.

Here’s how it works: You get points for every celebrity you see/talk to/get a picture with throughout the year and then we total up at the end to see who won. And by "won" I mean, you don't actually win anything.

Here's the point breakdown:

Seeing (as in drive-by or walk-by) = 1 pt
Talking to (job function) = 2 pts
Talking to (conversation) = 3 pts
Picture of = 4 pts
Picture with = 5 pts
A-list star = double the point value
Sighting outside of NY or CA = 1 pt (so that everyone can play and there's no unfair advantage for living in celeb-heavy cities)
I thought about including "touching" as a category, but outside of triathlon marking duties it's generally frowned upon and we really want to reduce the jail time of our participants as much as possible.
Going to an event and seeing celebs on stage or in a sport does not count as a sighting, unless you hang out before/after and meet them personally or unless you are close enough to take a photo without zooming. That picture is only worth 1 point instead of the normal 4, just because it doesn’t seem as cool as getting a random picture of George Clooney in a restaurant.
BONUS POINTS: If you achieve any of the above point values with your token celebrity boyfriend/girlfriend, then you are eligible for massive bonus points (amount to be determined by the committee, of course). To be eligible for this portion of the program, you must pre-register your A-lister. Yes, it has to be an A-lister because no, you can’t just make it up on the fly depending on who you run into at Starbucks that day. Seriously, we all know my boyfriend is Colin Farrell or Jake Gyllenhaal, Carrie-ITC’s is George Clooney or Bruce Springsteen, and Jilly G’s is John Travolta or Bruce Springsteen, and The Husband's girlfriend is Milla Jovovich or Angelina Jolie, so we can’t just make it up and say “Oh, I got my picture taken with my celebrity boyfriend, John Doe, who was an extra in Rocket Space Monkey. After all, we have to have some standards to our stalking.

Here are some scenarios:

Scenario 1: I walk by Michael Easton while shopping in Orlando. This is worth 2 points because it's a sighting/walk-by (1) and it's not in NY or CA (1).
Scenario 2: I get my picture taken with Michael Easton at the Daytime Emmy Awards in Hollywood. This is worth 5 points because it's a picture with (5) and it's in CA (0).
Scenario 3: Dennis Miller comes through my line while I'm taking tickets at the SB Bowl. I say something like "I'll scan your ticket; have a nice time, blahblahblah". This is worth 2 points because I talk to him in my job function (2) and it's in CA (0).
Scenario 4: Felicity Huffman signs in for the triathlon while I'm at the registration area. I mark her, tell her where to go, and then later talk to her about how she did. This is worth 6 points because I have a conversation with her (3) and she's an A-lister (double) and it's in CA (0).
Scenario 5: I run into Jake Gyllenhaal in Trader Joe's, he tells me he loves me, we run off to a deserted island together. GAME OVER!

All points are retroactive to January 2009. All points must be submitted to the committee for eligibility determination. All submissions are subject to review at any time. So far the committee consists of Carrie-ITC, The Husband, and myself, but we are currently taking applications for fellow judges.

Let the stalking begin!

Oh, Poo!

2009-03-06T09:53:00.000-08:00

First of all, I stole this commentary off of someone else's blog. So sue me. But seriously, give me a break. I can barely pull myself up out of my depression-induced fetal position to send out 20 resumes a day (which are subsequently sent to some big "we're not hiring right now, but we'll keep it on file" warehouse in the sky) and you want me to write an original thought, too?! Yeah right. All my creative energy went into that padded resume.

So I was reading this blog on germs, which doesn't get me too worked up usually. After all, I taught germy little middle schoolers for many years. However, this ewww factor is right up there with Chinese toilets. Newsflash: There’s poo in your laundry! "A report from ABC News states that there is about 0.1 gram of fecal material in a piece of underwear, which adds up to approximately 100 million E. coli bacteria in an average undergarment load." Um, ga-ross. And get this, if you do the green thing and wash in cold water, those cooties hang out and contaminate your hands as you put it in the dryer. Um, double ga-ross.

Fortunately, this blogger I so blatantly plagiarized posted some easy solutions to avoid poo-cooties:

Wash all undergarments in the same load and make it the last load of the day to avoid contaminating successive loads.
If you don’t use hot water for cleaning, consider using it just for underwear loads.
Don’t let laundry sit between wash and dry cycles as this gives germs a chance to multiply.
If you don’t dry your laundry on high heat for a full cycle, consider doing so just for underwear loads.
Wash hands after putting wet laundry in the dryer.
Don’t place dirty laundry on the folding/sorting table where clean laundry will be placed.
Don’t put clean laundry back in the dirty hamper to bring it back to the dresser.

And there you have it.....the most I have to offer these days are "Hints from Heloise". Stay tuned for some delicious tuna casserole recipes next week. K...M...N...

Facing Up to My Facebook Addiction

2009-02-02T19:21:00.000-08:00

Facebook is my latest free-time-fun-time obsession. There, I said it. I know, I know...Biggest. Nerd. Ever. There are several reasons that have led up to this addiction, but it's mostly because I've had a lot of free time lately. First of all, I've been out of work for 6 weeks so looking for work has been my fulltime job. Not fun. Secondly, I will do ANYTHING to procrastinate unpacking. Oh wait, I'll do anything to procrastinate almost anything.

Now granted, I could be doing productive things like any of the items on my resolution list that, quite honestly, aren't all that fun. But instead I would much rather catch up on the latest. And yes, I do actually know all the friends on my "friends list" in person; they aren't just "cyber friends". And I love that in one fell swoop we can all know all the mundane details of everyone's lives - the same things we'd be gabbing about if we lived in the same neighborhood rather than 3000 miles away from each other.

Sooooo (finally getting to the point), in the spirit of keeping up with the details of everyone's lives, I keep getting these requests to list random things about myself and then "tag" people to do the same. Since I've been "tagged" about a dozen times so far, I feel obliged to do it although I'm finding it very hard to decide exactly what I want to share. Here's the deal: You're supposed to list 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about yourself and then send it to 25 people who make a list and send it to 25 people and so on, kinda like a cyber pyramid scheme. So here goes...

1. I always wanted to be a teacher. I used to play school with my brothers and sister when I was little and even had my own chalkboard and classroom area in our family room.
2. I am a terrible procrastinator. I get more done when I have lots to do because I'm usually procrastinating something else, but in the long run I'm more productive than if I'd started out with nothing to do. If that makes any sense at all.
3. I am obsessed with good grammar and correct spelling. I can't stand most text-speak, like "ur" instead of "your". I also can't stand incorrect usage of your/you're, there/their/they're, and to/too/two. And my biggest pet peeve of all.....A LOT is two words!
4. I come from a family of very conservative Republicans. I am not.
5. I dream in color several times every time I sleep, even during naps. Usually the first words out of my mouth upon awakening are "I just had the weirdest dream".
6. I flip-flop between thinking "I'm fabulous" or "I'm a loser" several times a day.
7. I hate bare floors. I would have carpet in my bathrooms and kitchen if it was up to me.
8. I hate school. Despite having a really high IQ (so they tell me; I beg to differ), I always skated by with doing the minimum required. If I ever had an option of doing one more assignment for an "A" or taking the "B", I took the "B" every time. The fact that I was a teacher for so many years, and loved it, and supposedly was good at it, is more than a little odd.
9. I have driven cross-country (CA-FL) 4 times in my lifetime and every time was The. Most. Fun. Ever. The first two involved camping (I was much younger and braver then) and one even involved a moving truck. Each one involved wild adventures that get better with each re-telling.
10. I have Selective OCD. My file cabinet has color-coordinated files with matching labels, yet there are piles on my desk that I never seem to file. My closet is organized by color and type, yet I can't be bothered to pick up the clothes piled on the floor. My life is filled with these contradictions.
11. I have several movie-star-pretend-boyfriend crushes at any given time. Colin Farrell, Jake Gyllenhaal, and Peter Sarsgaard currently. They change with time, but I've always had at least one since I was a kid. Darby Hinton was my first when I was about 10.
12. I love "As Seen on TV" gadgets. Any time I hear "If you buy right now, we'll throw in a (insert equally useless item) for free" I'm all over it.
13. I love long hair on men. Especially on my man.
14. I love mowing the lawn. I like making designs in the grass while I'm doing it. I also like to see what kinds of things I can run over and chop up. (Fallen grapefruits are my favorite.)
15. I love to be dirty and hot and sweaty at the end of the day. Hiking, rock climbing, walogging, bike riding, tennis, yard work - these are a few of my favorite things.
16. I obsessively alphabetize things. You'll notice this list is.
17. I refuse to watch movies that are sad, or involve animal abuse, or involve an animal dying. Violence doesn't phase me, but if someone's pet dog dies, I can't handle it.
18. I think reality TV is the dumbest thing ever invented.
19. I watch Beverly Hills 90210 reruns every day. Embarrassing, I know. (BTW, I've met Tiffani Thiessen and she's super nice, which makes it even funnier to watch "Valerie" as the town bitch.)
20. I would love to be a professional musician with a symphony. Or a conductor of a symphony. Or a ballerina. The fact that I've forgotten almost all of my childhood musical training and never had any dance training to begin with are just minor details.
21. If I won the lottery, the first thing I would do is have plastic surgery. (I wonder if Dr. Christian Troy would be available...?)
22. I'm the only adult I know who doesn't like coffee. I can only drink the sugary, whipped cream stuff from Starbucks and I prefer tea over coffee any day. I also don't even know how to make coffee.
23. I've been watching (and loving) soap operas since I was 16 years old. My dream job would be to write for All My Children or Soap Opera Digest.
24. I've had 29 different addresses in the past 29 years, sometimes causing people to wonder if I'm a fugitive. Actually, I just get bored. I owned a house for 3 whole years, but I felt too tied down, so I had to get rid of it.
25. My biggest regret in life is not having children.
26. My biggest soapboxes involve gay rights, mental health awareness, and a woman's right to choose.
27. My ex-husband has been one of my best friends for almost 25 years. His new wife is also one of my best friends.
28. My favorite animals are cats and dolphins, neither of which I can have as pets. One because it's against the law and one because I'm deathly allergic. (I end up in the ER due to a cat crisis at least once a year.) Fortunately I get to watch frolicking dolphins every day and it makes me smile.
29. My favorite movies are Brokeback Mountain, Reservoir Dogs, Legally Blonde, and Finding Nemo. Obviously I don't have a "type".
30. Relationships are the most important thing in the world to me - more than money, fame, or stalking Jake Gyllenhaal - and I will do anything for my friends/family. However, if the relationship becomes one-sided or harmful to my mental health, I move on and never look back.

Okay, so 30 instead of 25...math was never my thing. So now, tag, you're it, you have to share. Good luck - it's way harder than it looks.

Is That a Baby Bump I See?

2009-01-06T00:14:00.000-08:00

It's true. My bump is growing. And before you start calling Guinness, there's no baby. Just fat. So as part of my revamped decade-old failed resolution to lose weight, I've decided to take pictures of it this year in order to meet my monthly benchmarks. See, I've noticed this growing (pardon the pun) trend of pregnant women taking pictures of their baby bump as it progresses and publishing the pictures for all to see. (I blame Demi Moore for starting the insanity.) Maybe it's because I've never been pregnant and always been fat that I just have an ewwww-reflex whenever I see a naked pregnant stomach, no matter if it's 9 weeks or 9 months. Seriously, what's up with the "here I am at 1 month, here I am at 2 months, here I am at 3 months, etc" thing or I've even seen pictures of someone on the way to the hospital captioned "this is as pregnant as I'll ever be".....um, gee, thanks for sharing, ga-ross. But I digress...

I figure if I take pictures of my own ewwww-reflex bump each month, I'll be able to (a) shock myself with a "look away, I'm hideous" reality check, and (b) see if I'm making progress with the whole lose weight/exercise/eat healthy combo-goal. Hopefully it'll be like a reverse pregnancy and at 9 months the bump will be gone instead of on the verge of exploding. Oh, and don't worry - they'll be posted on my refrigerator, not here. Although, you never know. If I end up with a 6-pack, I may just publish the pictures after all. Okay, so there's really no threat of that happening, but I'm reserving the right to change my mind.

By the way, has anyone discovered the proverbial "magic diet pill" yet? And if so, clue me in, because the idea of eating vegetables for an entire year is only making Jilly G and her merry band of vegetarians happy. Me - not so much.

Resolutions, Smesholutions

2009-01-01T19:21:00.000-08:00

And now it's time for my favorite New Year's activity - the resolution ritual. Here's how it goes: I make vague resolutions, I break them all within the month, the year marches on, December comes and I look back in disgust because I accomplished nothing in the entire year. What was that? This sounds familiar, you say? See if yours sound a little like this:

1. Lose weight
2. Exercise
3. Eat healthy
4. Save money
5. Less TV, more books
6. Write more often

However, THIS year is going to be different because I have actually revamped these resolutions and turned them into measurable goals with attainable benchmarks, blahblahblah-teacher-jargon-flashback, although I promise not to bore you with the deets. Apparently the only one most people care about is #6 because I keep getting asked, "Why don't you write anymore?" I have no answer. Lazy? Bored? Insecure? Dunno. So I'm going to try to update this blog at least once a week in 2009. Of course I realize 52 entries might be a stretch for my creative juices, so I can only imagine that some of the topics will hit new levels of boring and maybe even brevity (bonus). Some of you may even cancel your subscriptions. It's okay. Really. You won't be missing a thing!

Soooo, here we go again... Happy New Year!

p.s. You may want to review the disclaimer.

Wash, Rinse, Repeat

2008-11-14T17:01:00.000-08:00

Here we go again.....Santa Barbara is on fire. Again. And yes, it does seem like California has been on fire for most of 2008. Perhaps we're burning in hell because of our wicked liberal ways (yes, I read "those" blogs - I know what people think of us) or perhaps it's because we had about 2 days of rain this year, it's 91 degrees right now in mid-November, and the Santa Ana winds topped out at 72 mph last night. (That's almost a category 1 hurricane, right? See, I haven't forgotten my Florida roots.)

Although this fire is nowhere near our home, it's much worse because houses and people have been hurt in this one (the Gap fire didn't reach any structures). This one is on the Santa Barbara Riviera and in Montecito, where the fancy people live - like I said, nowhere near our home. Christopher Lloyd's house burned down, but so far there's no word on Oprah, Rob Lowe, John Cleese, Michael Douglas, or Eric Schmidt. I've offered Rob Lowe a place to stay in case he needs to evacuate, but he hasn't called back. Yet. By the way, Oprah's dogs have been evacuated to the Four Seasons. Like I said, fancy people.

Current stats
Name: Tea Fire (has nothing to do with a beverage)
Sexy firemen in town: 800+
Multi-million dollar mansions destroyed: 100-200
Households evacuated: 5500
Acres burned: 1500
Deaths: 1
Burn injuries: 3
Smoke injuries: 10
Containment: 0%
Air quality: Disgusting - break out the SarsGuard masks.

Writer's Strike

2008-11-11T19:21:00.000-08:00

Apparently this writer's block has turned into a full-on strike. I can't seem to string together two thoughts to make a sentence, much less a topic sentence with four supporting sentences to form a well-developed paragraph. It's especially sad since I have so much to comment on:

Football Season!!! The Gators' beatdown of LSU and Georgia was quite possibly the most beautiful thing EV-ER. It almost makes up for the Ole Miss embarrassment of mid-September, but not quite. However, revenge is best served cold in the way of a 40-pt butt-kicking. Yup, stew on that for the next year, Mississippians.

AFSP's Out of the Darkness 5K: Very fun, very emotional, very nice people. I need to post pictures. And yes, there were some star-sightings. Thank you all so much for your donations and kind words.

Nautica Triathlon: For a second year, I was a "Body Marker to the Stars". It's a rough job because I have to caress, I mean write on, the biceps and calves of the likes of Matthew McConaughey, Alec Baldwin, Mark-Paul Gosselaar, Jon Cryer, etc. Poor me, huh? I promise to post pictures and more details, but you can click here to read about last year's event.

Sun and Fun in Florida: Sun - not so much since it rains every day (that's the part they don't tell you in the travel brochures). Fun - most definitely. I stayed with my BFFs King-a-ling and her son, Spawn o' King. SOK turned 7 this year and I surprised him at his birthday party. The first thing he said was "My sweet angel - I didn't know you were coming". (Insert melting heart.) He is quite possibly the most wonderful child EVER.

The High Holy Days of Halloween: West Hollywood. 'Nuf said. I will post pictures. Promise. Meanwhile, you can click here and here to see pictures of West Hollywood Halloweens past. WARNING: Some are highly inappropriate, so don't show the kiddies. Mom and Dad - you can't look either.

Indecision 2008: Thank God it's over!!! I know, I know - it's our privilege to vote, blahblahblah, but do we have to be subjected to the 2-year-long campaign process? By the way, only 69 days until Dubya is gone. (Insert cheering.) Not that I'm counting...

Move 2009: I never like to let a year go by without packing up everything I own, throwing out 1/2 of the crap I accumulate, bitching that "I hate moving", and then schlepping all my stuff to a new residence. Apparently I have residence-ADHD as this will be residence #28 in 28 years. The Husband is transferring to his LA office and we're moving closer to the beach and back to a real city! We live on the beach now, but we have to walk ALL THE WAY to the end of our block for the beach access (approximately 500 steps). Now I'll just have to walk 115 steps from my front door to the beach. Seriously, I count these things.

Stay tuned, if you aren't already bored to tears (I am, so you won't be hurting my feelings), and maybe I'll get off my sitting-on-the-couch-bon-bon-eating ass and post some pictures.

Writer's Block

2008-09-17T11:14:00.000-07:00

I have about 10 half-written blogs and 100+ un-downloaded pictures clogging up my to-do list right now. Oh yeah, and I have a job. Oh yeah, and I have a really busy schedule of star-stalking to attend to. (I met Matthew McConaughey.....I promise more details and pictures are forthcoming.) Needless to say, my grandiose writing plans have gone awry.

So, imagine my surprise when I flipped to The Martha Stewart Show and they were doing a show on blogging! Does Martha exist solely to make me feel incompetent? I mean, I can't cook or bake, I never finish my crafts, and now I can't even blog up to Martha standards. Damn that woman!

However, I attended the UCLA Writers Faire a couple of weeks ago and one of the authors was saying how it's okay to write out of order. If you get stuck in a boring rut, just skip ahead to another part of the story and then come back later. What?! And - get this - the first draft doesn't have to be perfect. Huh?! Now that's just crazy talk!

Moral to the story: My upcoming entries might be out of order, so you might be reading about August events in January and last week's events this week. (You might even have to scroll down a few to get caught up.) However, at least you'll be reading something. Oh, and did I mention Matthew McConaughey?

The Honeymooners

2008-08-16T19:21:00.000-07:00

The Husband and I are FINALLY taking our honeymoon, only 13 months late. We're both masters of procrastination, so of course we just never got around to it last year. However, this time we're roadtripping to Colorado and spending 10 whole days together. Just us. No laptops. Really - I can do it.

I've learned from past experience that even the most fabulous of roadtrips don't always translate well to written entertainment, so I'll spare you the gory details of singalongs to "Paradise by the Dashboard Lights", profound exclamations of "OMG, this is so awesome", and fun road signs like "Prison Nearby - Do Not Pick Up Hitchhikers". Okay, maybe just a few, but that's it - promise.

Day 1
Left Santa Barbara, CA, around 7pm-ish
Starbucks pit stops: 3
Full moon: 1
Shooting stars: 5
Critters: 1 coyote
License plate game: Alberta, AZ, British Colombia, CA, CO, IA, IL, IN, KS, Manitoba, NC, NE, NV, OK, Ontario, OR, TN, TX, UT, WY
Arrived in St. George, UT, around 2am-ish

Day 2
Left St. George, UT, around 11am-ish
Critters: 2 chipmunks, 1 prairie dog, 1 deer
License plate game: AR, DE, FL, GA, Government, ID, KY, LA, MI, MN, MO, MT, NJ, NM, NY, RI, WA
National Parks: Cedar Breaks, Bryce Canyon
Arrived in Avon, CO, around 2am-ish

Cedar Breaks National Monument: Ever wonder why it's called Cedar Breaks when there are no cedar trees around? Okay, maybe not. But you know I'm going to tell you anyway. Early settlers mistook the Utah junipers for Cedar trees (and they obviously didn't have Google back then). When the area was named by the early pioneers it was common to call badlands "breaks" and thus, the name Cedar Breaks was given. Millions of years of sedimentation, uplift, and erosion are carving out this giant amphitheater that spans some three miles, and is more than 2000 feet deep. The highest point within Cedar Breaks National Monument is 10,662 feet above sea level. (Click images to enlarge.)

Bryce Canyon National Park: Erosion has shaped colorful limestones, sandstones, and mudstones into pinnacles called "hoodoos". A legend of the Paiute Indians (who used to live here before we stole their land) claims the colorful hoodoos are ancient "Legend People" who were turned to stone as punishment for bad deeds. Supposedly these hoodoos cast their spell on all who visit. (Click images to enlarge.)

(Click here to see ALL pictures.)

I Hate to Do This, But.....

2008-08-13T02:30:00.000-07:00

I'm using this forum for solicitation. Of money, that is.
One month from today, on September 13th in Los Angeles, I'll be participating in AFSP's 2008 Out of the Darkness Walk to benefit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. As most of you know, this is a cause very near and dear to my heart. My sister died by suicide 14 years ago and our family has never recovered. If AFSP can help one family from having to go through the same nightmare, I will gladly help them any way I can. Since I usually walog (walk/jog) for free, I decided to walog for money this time, which is why I'm doing this 5K and asking for contributions for the cause. I figured if everyone I knew gave $10 each, plus passed along this message to a friend who might know a friend who might know a friend who might know a friend (kinda like the "telephone" game), I'd be able to raise tons of money. I also figured this is payback for all the wrapping paper, greeting cards, candles, popcorn, cookies, etc, I've bought from my friends' kids and students over the years. :)
I really, really hope you will consider supporting my participation in this event or passing this along to someone who may be interested. Any contribution will help the work of AFSP, and - bonus - all donations are 100% tax deductible. You can donate online; it's safe and fairly easy. Click here to go to my fundraising page.
Of course I'll post pictures after the event, so stay tuned. Also, I found out that Daniel Goddard (Cane Ashby on The Young and the Restless) will be there, so of course he'll remember me from the Daytime Emmys back in June.

Straight From the Lizard's Mouth

2008-08-04T19:21:00.000-07:00

We went on the greatest hike this weekend at Lizard's Mouth in the Santa Ynez Mountains. Not exactly sure why it's called Lizard's Mouth, but we did see lots of lizards, which is always a better sighting than snakes or mountain lions. Our adventure started out as a hike, but there aren't really any trails - just tons of rocks and caves - so it ended up as a rock-climbing experience. There's also a shooting range nearby, so we had to be careful to go in the opposite direction of the gunshots. As some of you know, my idea of fun involves being dirty at the end of the day - yardwork, beach, running, hiking - so of course this fit since we were actually crawling around on the rocks. Check out these pictures. (Click images to enlarge.)

This was our "path"...

View from a cave

Skeleton head rock

Fire damage

A burned Manzanita tree, aka "Mountain Driftwood". These trees burn at really high temperatures so they survive fires.

One of many "Thank You, Firefighters" signs at the end of someone's driveway. Look how close the fire got to the driveway - right across the street.

Happy Anniversary!

2008-07-21T19:21:00.000-07:00

For those who have never heard the wedding story, it's really a story of a failed elopement. We were going to run off to Vegas and not tell anyone, but the secret was killing me so I had to spill. I told a handful of my BFFs and next thing you know, we had flowers, matching outfits, and a wedding party. So even though it wasn't a "real" elopement, it still had the shock effect we were going for. First of all, we wanted to get married on 7-7-07. Well, duh - aren't we original? Apparently everyone else had the same idea years ago and booked ahead. Instead we decided that since we'd met the year before at the Santa Barbara Wine Festival, we should get married on the same day a year later, 7-21-07. So we did and it was definitely a very California-ish affair - t-shirts/shorts/flipflops and overlooking the harbor. Afterward the city of SB was kind enough to host their annual wine festival in our honor, so we celebrated at a reception with thousands of our closest friends. And now, here we are one year later, happy as can be. Hard to believe with my short attention span, but it's true. True love, that is. Awww...(Insert gag-ilicious mushiness here.)

Wedding Day, 2007

Anniversary Day, 2008

A little older, a little fatter, but still living it up!

Chi O, Chi O, It's Off to Convention We Go...

2008-07-15T19:21:00.000-07:00

Those of you who spent time in the Greek system during college may remember different lyrics, but I really can't remember.... :)

I went to St. Louis with BFF Carrie-ITC and Mom o' Carrie to attend the Chi Omega National Convention. I was in heaven, of course, because it was like being dropped into a Rush party. The minute I walked off the plane I noticed the airport was filled with khaki, color coordinated cute shoes, pearls, and Coach bags, and I knew I was among my people. All I needed was an add-a-bead necklace and a Pappagallo purse and it would've been 1980 all over again.

My mother likes to claim that I majored in Sorority in college. She's not entirely wrong. I like to think I had a double major - Sorority and Fraternity. My dad used to tell me that some of his best times were had in the fraternity house. I didn't want to break it to him that some of my best times were had in his fraternity house also. (His original Kappa Sig house was still at UF when I was there.) Ya know, when I think about it, this really is the only "degree" I'm currently using since I'm a Chi Omega Advisor at UCLA, but not using my real English degree at all. Go figure. I guess parents really do know best!

So anyway, Convention weekend was filled with lots of remember-when's, back-when-we-were-in-college's, and I-can't-believe-you-do-it-this-way-now's. Since there was a combination of 1200 alums plus actives, we regaled the young'uns with "back in the day" stories, most of which would be considered hazing today. In this PC world of ours, everything is considered hazing now. For example, pledges wearing different colored t-shirts than sisters. I know, I know - ri.dic.u.lous. Of course all of this hazing drama is because a few ruined it for all, as always. Even the terms have changed. Rush=Recruitment, Rushees=Potential New Members (or PNMs), Pledges=New Members, Pledge Trainer=New Member Educator. But I digress...

Most of our weekend consisted of dressing up according to the day's specific dress code, briefly attending a meeting or two, sipping margaritas by our pool at the Chase all afternoon, and re-dressing for happy hour/dinner/evening events. Just like college!

Below is a picture from the weekend and then a picture from "back in the day" - almost 30 years ago. (Why yes, I did go to college when I was 5 - thank you for asking!) Notice the excellent '80s fashions in the last picture. (Click to enlarge - it's totally worth it.)

Me, Mom o' Carrie, Carrie-ITC, 2008

Me, Carrie-ITC, Chi Omegas on Bid-Day 1981

All Quiet on the Eastern Front

2008-07-09T19:21:00.000-07:00

...and the Northern and Southern fronts supposedly. The West is still a problem, but not as much because evacuation orders have been downgraded to warnings. And we finally went one full day without a power outage. So, 10,000 acres and $10 million later, the Gap Fire is more than 50% contained. That's a good thing. That means I no longer walk outside and see this:

I do, however, walk outside and see layers of ash and dust everywhere. When you walk along the sidewalk, a puff of dirt surrounds you with each footstep. Kinda like Pigpen of Peanuts fame. The air quality is only slightly better than Beijing. Therefore, I've adopted this new fire fashion:

It's really catching on - all the cool kids are doing it! And, yes, that is a picture of Peter Sarsgaard on the mask, which is only funny if you're familiar with the SNL Sars Guards masks. Click here to get familiar. And then go ahead and roll your eyes at me.

Despite my ability to turn an emergency into something as inane as a fashion statement, I really am quite grateful that I can upack my evacuation suitcase today. Hopefully it's going back in the closet for good.

Earth, Wind, and Fire

2008-07-03T14:00:00.000-07:00

Nope, not the legendary '70's band, but my latest source of climate angst. Once again, California's earth is on fire, helped along by the winds. However, this time it's a little close to home. As in "evacuation standby" close. As in "we have our valuables packed" close. So here's the deal:

Tuesday: The Gap Fire (it has a name, so that makes it official) started up in the mountains around 6pm and was blowing toward Goleta (my 'hood). So I immediately turned on the TV to listen to 20 different reporters all reporting the same "it's coming your way" news. Very similar to Hurricane Watch news in Florida. They evacuated a couple of nearby neighborhoods, but not us. Everyone kept referring to the Painted Cave Fire of 1990 (otherwise known as "The Day Santa Barbara Burned to the Ground") when the fire started up on the mountain and 20 minutes later had made it all the way down the mountain, across the highway, and to the ocean. Just a little bit scary.

Wednesday: All was well during the day, except for the air quality advisory, but then the power went off around 7pm. I walked outside and it was pitch black from smoke and showering ash flakes. The "sundowners" (the winds at sundown) were causing the fire to spread and it knocked out our major power line that comes from the Hoover Dam. The fire had "jumped the canyon" (more fire jargon I've been learning) which meant it was bigger and closer. Getting more scary.

Thursday: The power came back on in the middle of the night and we turned on the TV to learn that 650 acres had burned, but there were no new evacuations. Whew! By 9am 2,400 acres had burned! In only 8ish hours! County officials have declared a local state of emergency and The Govenator has asked Dubya to declare a federal emergency in the state. So that's the latest and I guess I'll just have to wait and see which way the wind blows tonight...literally.

Although some of this is reminiscent of the hurricane days in Florida (over-anxious reporters, no power, valuables packed, freeways jammed with evacuees), there's one significant difference: you can't "ride out" a fire like you can a hurricane. With a hurricane you wake up the next day and your roof might be gone and some trees are down, but if you try to "ride out" a fire, you're toast...literally.

Summer's Here.....Finally

2008-06-22T19:21:00.000-07:00

Since we actually have seasons here in California (unlike Florida, where I spent most of my life), Summer Solstice is a big deal for me, the weather-obsessed-one. The Solstice parade is a biggie in Santa Barbara. I know, I know - we have a parade every other weekend, but this one is definitely the Mac-Daddy of them all. Actually SB's Summer Solstice Celebration is a mini-Mardi Gras. I'll just leave it at that and let the pictures fill in the blanks. (Click images to enlarge.)

And the Emmy Goes To.....

2008-06-21T19:21:00.000-07:00

Time for my favorite event of the year: The Daytime Emmy Awards. However, ya know how just a few people ruin it for everyone else? I think Jilly G and I may have done that a couple of years ago. (Click here to read about those adventures.)

"I'd like to thank the academy."

See, the DTE Awards used to be in New York, but it came to Hollywood for the first time in 2006. That year we were allowed to take in cameras, run around the lobby mingling with the stars, and go in and out of the Kodak as much as we wanted. Now they've gone all Hollywood-security on us and had the main part of the red-carpet blocked off, we weren't allowed to take in cameras (even though we snuck them in), the bar closed the minute the show opened so you couldn't even get water, and we weren't allowed to re-enter if we left the Kodak. Secret's out - soap opera fans are a wild and crazy security risk.

BFF Carrie-ITC flew out for this event (we've been watching All My Children together since college) and we all stayed at BFF Jilly G's apartment near Hollywood. Carrie-ITC and I went to the red carpet fesitivites for some early stalking and then Jilly G met us inside the Kodak after work. We had great seats and, surprisingly, the show wasn't as boring as usual so we stayed until almost the end. Of course we had to leave a little bit early to get prime stalking spots as the stars left. Some red carpet sightings (left to right): Rachael Ray, Susan Lucci (Erica Kane, AMC), Tyra Banks, Anthony Geary (Luke Spencer, GH), Brian Kerwin (Charlie Banks, OLTL) and Tuc Watkins (David Vickers, OLTL, and Bob Hunter, Desperate Housewives), Sherri Shepherd (The View). (Click images to enlarge.)

Some of my favorites (left to right): My boyfriend, Michael Easton!!! (John McBain, OLTL), Kristen Alderson (Starr Manning, OLTL), Roger Howarth (ex-Todd Manning, OLTL, Paul Ryan, GL), Tracey Bergman (Lauren Fenmore, Y&R), Daniel Goddard (Cane Ashby, Y&R), Cameron Mathison (Ryan Lavery, AMC, host of DTE 2008, Dancing with the Stars 2007), Jeanne Cooper (Katherine Chancellor, Y&R, Corbin Bernsen's mom in real life).

Other noteworthy sightings:

Aiden Turner (Aidan Devane, AMC) Got a picture with him; he seemed very shy.
Alicia Minshew (Kendell Hart, AMC)
Ellen Wheeler (Exec Producer, GL, ex-Cindy Chandler, AMC)
Thorsten Kaye (Zach Slater, AMC) He's kinda an ass, but I did get a picture with him.
Heather Tom (Katherine Logan, B&B, ex-Kelly Cramer, OLTL) Got a picture with her.
Bryan Dattilo (Lucas Roberts, DOOL)
Darin Brooks (Max Brady, DOOL) Jilly G got a picture with him.
Jason Cook (ex-Shawn Brady, DOOL)
Judi Evans (Bonnie Lockhart, DOOL) Got a good close-up picture of her.
Rachel Melvin (Chelsea Benson, DOOL) Very nice; got a picture with her.
Thaao Penghlis (Tony Dimera, DOOL) Jilly G got a picture with him.
Greg Vaughan (Lucky Spencer, GH)
Kirsten Storms (Maxie Jones, GH)
Rebecca Herbst (Elizabeth Webber, GH) Got a picture with her.
Rick Hearst (Ric Lansing, GH)
Ron Hale (Mike Corbin, GH) Got a picture with him.
Brandon Buddy (Cole Thornhart, OLTL) Got a picture with him.
Bree Williamson (Jessica/Tess, OLTL)
Robert Woods (Bo Buchanan, OLTL)
Adrienne Frantz (Amber Moore, Y&R) Got a great picture with her at the end of the night.
Amelia Heinle (Victoria Newman, Y&R, ex-Mia Saunders, AMC) Got a picture with her.
Bryton McClure (Devon Hamilton, Y&R) Got a picture with him.
Christel Khalil (Lily Winters, Y&R) Got a picture with her.
Christian LeBlanc (Michael Baldwin, Y&R) Got a great close-up picture of him on the red carpet.
Don Diamont (Brad Carlton, Y&R)
Doug Davidson (Paul Williams, Y&R) Jilly G got a picture with him.
Elizabeth Hendrickson (Chloe Mitchell, Y&R, ex-Frankie/Maggie Stone, AMC)
Greg Rikaart (Kevin Fisher, Y&R)
Kate Linder (Esther Valentine, Y&R)
Kristoff St. John (Neil Winters, Y&R) Carrie-ITC babysat his cute little daughter while he was taking pictures with us.
Michael Graziadei (Daniel Romalotti, Y&R) Got a great picture with him at the end of the night.
Peter Bergman (Jack Abbott, Y&R, ex-Cliff Warner, AMC)
Thad Luckinbill (JT Hellstrom, Y&R) Got a picture with him.
Vail Bloom (Heather Stevens, Y&R) Got a great picture with her at the end of the night.
Barbara Walters Talked to her while standing at the hostess stand in a restaurant; she's not overly friendly like most daytime stars.

Cheers to another successful stalking outing (and not getting arrested)! (Click here to see ALL pictures.)

Everybody Loves a Parade

2008-06-07T19:21:00.000-07:00

...Even our four-legged friends. The Santa Barbara Dog Parade is a big deal each summer - I'm talking people come from miles around, spend a year getting their dog floats ready, 1200 dogs participate, and the Big Dog Foundation donates millions of dollars for charities helping dogs, children, and dogs that help people. They even made a film (a "dogumentary") that premiered at the Santa Barbara film festival in January. This year The Dog Whisperer, Cesar Millan, was the grand marshall. Here he is waving to me.....well, in my general direction.

You know those pictures of dogs dressed up that are entitled "This is why I hate my owner"? I wish I could've read the thought bubbles of all the dogs in the parade, because I'm sure that's exactly what they were thinking. However, always one to exploit cute-ness, I have tons of pictures. I couldn't even decide which ones were more "awwww" than the next, so I just posted them all. If your dog happens to chew through the power cord while you're viewing this page, he may be sending you a message that he won't be receptive to these potential Halloween costumes. (Click images to enlarge.)

2007 champion and co-star of Unleashed: A Dogumentary

The China Monologues

2008-06-02T19:21:00.000-07:00

How to sum up the most amazing trip of my life...? First, we must all thank my BFF Jilly G for making the trip and my oh-so-informative recaps possible. As I alluded to before, I am the ultimate SWF-esque imitator of all my friends, so there's no way I would've ever thought, "Hey, I think I'll go to China to run in the Great Wall Marathon and then go hang out in Hong Kong for a while" on my own. I'm just not that brave. She is, though, and I owe so much of my currently-fabulous life to her. Next, I must thank The Wonderful Husband for putting up with my stress-mood-swings before leaving, lack of communication during, jet-lag whining upon returning, and of course the financial backing for this little jaunt to boost the Chinese economy.

Significant discoveries:

Toilets: 'Nuff said. I hear they're like that some places in Europe also, but fortunately I did not experience it while I was there making this my first exposure to such hideous-ness.
LIT (Lost in Translation): "What?! You mean not everyone in the whole wide world speaks English?!" Oh, how arrogant we are! The funniest part is that in the US if we don't understand someone, we just say "I don't know", whereas in China everyone is so polite that they just nod. So you think they understand you, but alas, it's usually an LIT moment. I vow to be more patient with non-English speakers at home in California (of which there are millions).
Money math: Having to divide everything by 7 to figure out the money conversion was really a stretch to my 10th-grade-level math skills. I ended up writing out a little cheat sheet of 10HKD=1.28USD, 20HKD=2.56USD, etc. I highly recommend this to other math illiterates while traveling.
Time math: Most of the clocks are in military time, which I can do, fortunately. The time-zone - not so much. "What time is it there?" has always been one of my most frequently used phrases.
Metric system math: Seriously, everyone uses it - why don't we? The marathon organizers said "We have distance markers throughout the course and for our American friends we even put it in miles". How embarrassing!
Geography: Two months ago I couldn't even pick out China on a map. I'm happy to say I am no longer the stereotypical American Geogr-illiterate.
Pollution: Beijing makes LA smog look pristine.
Humidity: (You know I don't go a day without commenting on or complaining about the weather.) Hong Kong makes Florida look like a dry desert.

So ends my adventure. I learned a lot, saw a lot, and spent a lot, which makes it the perfect vacation! (Click here to see ALL pictures.)

Gotta Go, Gotta Go, Gotta Go Right Now...

2008-05-31T19:21:00.000-07:00

As promised, the long awaited China Toilet Chronicles. And to quote my friend, Beth: Everyone loves a good potty story; they're not just for 10-yr-old boys, ya know. Ahh, where to begin.....? First of all, if you are easily offended, change the channel now. Not because of language/sex/violence, but just the sheer GA-ROSSSSSS-ness of it all will make you run right in and hug your toilet. Mainly out of gratitude because you will never take that seat for granted ever again, and then there is that gag-reflex factor.

China isn't big on modern plumbing. I had heard this from a friend who'd witnessed it first-hand a few years ago and I'd read it in all the tourist books, but I still didn't quite believe it until I saw for myself. So here’s a typical public restroom. Fortunately hotels and airports have normal toilets, but anywhere else, like malls, restaurants, markets, tourist attractions, etc, have these.

Some are rated, like “3 star”, “4 star”, etc, which means they may have 10 holes and one normal toilet. Once in a while you'll get a directional sign like this in case there's any doubt as to what type you're about to experience.

When you walk in, one way is for women and the other way is for men, usually separated by a cloth. Privacy is not high on the priority list, as you can see.

Each stall looks like this. You have to bring your own toilet paper and after wiping you have to put it in the basket instead of down the hole because they don’t flush. And yes, people poo in them too!!! Also, the floor is usually so disgusting (covered with pee from bad aimers) that you can’t set down your purse or backpack or packages or anything you might be carrying, so you have to juggle it while squatting and aiming.

Besides the visuals here, I want you to TRY to imagine the STINK on a hot, humid, polluted summer day! Obviously I've been traumatized for life, but I did learn a few things about myself. 1) I have decent balancing skills, 2) I will never leave the house without some sort of tissue product, 3) I really have no need for 8 glasses of water each day.

I Like Big Buddhas and I Cannot Lie

2008-05-30T19:21:00.000-07:00

On my quest to see Big Buddha at Lantau Island, I decided to live dangerously and take the cable car 3ish miles up the mountain (2,330 feet above sea level - I have no idea what that means except that it was very high). Yes, I'd heard about some of the incidents (2 years ago when 500 visitors were left hanging mid-air for a few hours, last year when an empty cable car fell to the ground) and despite the fact that it was a rainy, foggy, cloudy, windy day I figured it would be an adventure. I was right – it was tons of fun.....even though I could hear the wind whipping through the windows, and at some points I was enveloped in fog, and at other points I looked waaaay down and gulped.....it really was fun. The pictures are kinda blurry since they were through the window and it was raining, but you can still see the amazing view. (Click images to enlarge.)

Tian Tan Buddha, or Big Buddha, is the world's tallest seated bronze Buddha. He's 112 feet high, weighs 250 tons, and sits on a lotus throne on Ngong Ping plateau surrounded by eight smaller worshipping statues. The base is a model of the Altar of Heaven from the Temple of Heaven in Beijing. And guess what the best part is? To get to the top, you have to climb STAIRS!!! 268 steps, to be exact. Are you kidding me?! Enough with the stairs already!

Po Lin Monastery, originally known as the Big Hut, is right next door, so I went over there to see some monks since it's an international Buddhist retreat. I entered through the Memorial Gate and the first thing I noticed were these big pots where people put gigantic sticks of incense before praying. While I was inside one of the temples, I did get a picture of a monk, but since I was trying to be sneaky and not interrupt his prayers, it's not a great picture.

At the end of the day, I decided to take the bus down the mountain instead of the cable car. And no, not because I'm chicken! Actually, the bus ride was like a roller coaster, so it was equally fun. All in all, another fabulous day! (Click here to see ALL pictures.)

Macau

2008-05-25T19:21:00.000-07:00

Macau is an island 35 miles across the Pearl River from Hong Kong. To get there, you have to take a speedboat ferry, which is huge and has seating like the airlines. (Click images to enlarge.)

Way back when, China gave Macau to Portugal if they promised to get rid of the pirates. I guess they succeeded since I didn't see any pirates. About 10 years ago, Portugal gave it back to China, so now it's one of those special territories like Hong Kong - kinda like a knock-off-China. Most importantly, it's like a mini-Vegas with all its casinos, hotels, shopping, and restaurants.

Discovered this delectable little tidbit in one of the markets: Filet of Piglet. Did not try it.

We worked up quite an appetite after wandering through the marketplace, so we went far far away to Hac Sa beach to Fernando's for a non-piglet, Sangria-soaked lunch. Yes, the tour book really said "Sangria-soaked". And yes, it was. The food was great also.

After lunch, we went on a wild gambling spree. I think I lost a total of $50 HKD, which is really only about $6 USD. The best part of the casino adventure was getting stopped by the bouncer on our way in because....."only 18-yr-olds can go in".....seriously, that's what he said to us. After we picked our mouths up off the floor, explained to him that we were practically...um...30...ish, and assured him we had passports that would prove we were...um...over 18, he let us go in. I love this place! (Click here to see ALL pictures.)

Whatcha Gonna Do With All That Junk?

2008-05-24T19:21:00.000-07:00

Boats=Junks in Hong Kong. Something to do with the type of boat, I think. Not sure. Anyway, we took out the Disney Corporate Junk for a day of sun and fun. Here are pictures of the boat/junk and the view along the way. (Click images to enlarge.)

We went to Po Toi island for lunch. Po Toi is the southern-most island of Hong Kong, famous for its rock formations and supposedly they used to produce dried seaweeds used by the monks for sitting. I did not sample any seaweed. I also did not sample any of the food pictured below.

After lunch we anchored out in the South China Sea and, believe it or not, I actually went swimming. This may not sound like that big of a deal except that I have never even set foot in the Pacific Ocean in my backyard.

Cheers to another fabulous day! (Click here to see ALL pictures.)

A Sunday Afternoon in the Park

2008-05-18T19:21:00.000-07:00

Sunday, the day of rest. No more stairs - stressing about, running/climbing on, or otherwise thinking about. We went to the Temple of Heaven and surrounding park, and then on to the marketplace for a little bargain shopping before our banquet dinner.

The park reminded me of NYC's Central Park with all the activity. People hanging out, playing games, dancing, singing, flying kites, etc. (Click images to enlarge.)

This is a version of hacky sack, but they play it with something that looks like a badminton shuttlecock.

The Temple of Heaven was the place where the emperors of the Ming and Qing dynasties worshipped heaven and prayed for bumper crops. Built in 1420, it is the largest architectural group in the world for worshipping heaven. (I guess California's Crystal Cathedral has a little competition, huh?) Included in this group are the Hall of Prayer for Good Harvests, which is the main alter for praying during the spring, the Imperial Hall of Heaven, and the Abstinence Palace where – you guessed it – the feudal emperors practiced abstention before the rituals. Meat, drink, music, and women – the four basic evils. They also had a 60-year-old gate and a 70-year-old door, which has nothing to do with how old they are. When the emperor went to pray, he was supposed to walk to the altar along the main road, but as he got older the trek got to be a bit much (trust me, I feel your pain). So when he was 60-years-old, they made him a 60-year-old shortcut gate and then another one when he was 70. Brilliant! I'm going to try to market this idea in Florida. And when I go home I want a 46-year-old gate put in at the end of my street.

At this point we were feeling rather holy, so we decided to have another religious experience and go shopping in the marketplace – the land of knock-offs! I consider myself a shopping expert, but wow! This place even gave me a headache after a few hours. Here's how it works: When you first walk in the door you get bombarded with "hey lady, you need (insert anything imaginable)?" So then, you look at whatever it is – Coach, Burberry, Gucci, Prada, Rolex, Ipod – and ask how much. They tell you something ridiculous like 2000 Yuan (approximately $288 USD) and then you tell them something equally ridiculous like 100 Yuan (approximately $14 USD). Then they say "oooohhhhh no, 1000" and you say "150" and so it goes. They say they'll lose money at that price, you say you don't want it after all, and then when you walk away, they run after you and give it to you for your final bid. It's kinda fun, but very stressful to someone like me who can't do math. Now I'm sure you're wondering what I got suckered into, right? Of course I'm not going to tell you! I want to keep you guessing so the next time you see me you'll be wondering – is that really a fancy Kmart purse, or is it one of those knock-off thingees? Just know that the Chinese economy has been boosted by my visit.

Later that evening we went to the Great Wall Marathon Gala Dinner where the tour sponsors wined and dined us as we limped around and told war stories. We watched a dragon dance, ate tons of great food, watched video footage from the race, received awards (okay, some people did), and heard lots of great stories. It was a lot of fun because we had met so many fantastic people throughout the week and we were actually quite sad to say goodbye. However, I noticed no one said "see ya next year, same time – same place". Gee, I wonder why? (Click here to see ALL pictures.)

Race Day: Remind Your Legs Who They Work For

2008-05-17T19:21:00.000-07:00

The day of reckoning has arrived.....early. We got our wake-up call at 2:10, not that we needed it because, of course, no one slept that night. You know how when you’re afraid you won’t hear the alarm you wake up every 30 minutes thinking you’ll miss it? Yeah, it was one of those nights for everyone in our group. So we got on the bus to leave at 3am – no seriously, that was not a typo – AM, as in morning. I have pictorial proof.

During the 3-hour bus ride to Tianjin (Huang Yuan village), we alternately slept, ate, and checked our bags at least 200 times to make sure we hadn’t forgotten things like race numbers, timing chips, water, drugs (I’ve been living on Prednisone since I got here because of the pollution), camera, more water, etc. We had one restroom stop along the way (and by restroom, I mean hole in the ground – more on that later because my new-found obsession with Chinese toilets deserves its own page) and then met up with the other buses at the entry checkpoint. Yes, those darn communists do like to check up on things.

We finally got to the start point at 6am and were greeted by tons of locals performing for us and getting ready to cheer us on.

Of course Jilly G and I found a stage and began posing for pictures. As you’ll notice, I decided to break the runners’ code of not wearing that day’s race shirt during the actual race. Secret’s out – I ain’t cool.

We did an uphill 5K on a windy village road before even getting to the Wall. Occasionally while I was dawdling along taking pictures, I noticed there was traffic behind me instead of people because I was LAST, so then I had to run to get a little bit ahead so I could take more pictures and end up being last again. Totally worth it, though, because the villagers were lining the streets cheering us on, handing out flowers, high-5-ing us, and wanting our pictures. Apparently they don’t see foolish tourists running 26 miles (uphill in the snow both ways) every day, so this is like a yearly holiday parade for them. (And you know how I love being in parades!)

Since I’d already been on part of the Wall on Thursday, I thought I knew what I was in for. Except I forgot that I’d actually be even more tired after doing a 5K already. Now, for those of you who run marathons regularly, I will allow you to laugh at me. For those of you who normally just do 5Ks regularly and are thinking, “What’s the big deal – it’s only 3 more miles” you must take it back right now. Take it back - I mean it! You must never utter the words “only” and “Great Wall” in the same paragraph ever again. Steep, steep inclines, mostly all uneven steps, some giant steps where you had to grab the step above to pull yourself up, and even areas of no steps, just uneven rocks in a skinny trail next to a free-fall off the cliff. All the bleacher running I did at home to “prepare” makes me laugh in retrospect. Imagine doing a deep-knee bend in reverse (going up, that is) and then imagine doing it about 100 times. For hours on end. Yup, that’s how I should’ve prepared.

After coming down off the Wall we ran through Yin Yang square and then through the villages again. At this point I was mixed in with marathoners doing their second lap, so I pretended to be a cool runner. Didn’t actually work. However, I was just as cool as everyone else when I ran through the finish line and heard my name announced and then they put that shiny medal around my neck.

It was so incredible and I immediately wished I’d done the ½ marathon because I did not want it to end. Of course, I’d still be out there today if that were the case. I finished just 15 minutes ahead of a little old 85-yr-old lady in my group and next to last in my age group. Impressive, huh? At least I didn’t fall off the wall, which was actually my biggest concern. Some guy did fall during the first mile on the wall and broke two fingers. He went to the next first aid station and they taped him up and he finished the marathon. Now you know if that had been me, I would’ve whined so much and so often that the other runners would’ve demanded I be taken out on the camel stretcher (yup, that’s the “ambulance” if you get sick or injured) just to get some peace and quiet.

Afterward, I hung out waiting for Jilly G so we could get our official “after” shot, and plus there was a beer tent. She said it was the hardest marathon she’s ever done. Hmmm, ya think? I mean, it’s the stairwell that just won’t end and the full marathoners had to do it twice. I passed the winner (pic below) as he was going up for his second lap and I was coming down from my first (and thankfully only). What’s that definition of insanity again?

The words here barely describe what an incredible rush the whole experience was and I highly recommend everyone suffer through it, I mean experience it, at least once in a lifetime. (Click here to see ALL pictures.)

Altitude chart

(glad I didn't look at this beforehand)

Forbidden City

2008-05-16T19:21:00.000-07:00

This should actually be called the “Forbidden to Leave City” because it goes on and on and on and on. For some reason we thought it would be a good idea to walk a 12k the day before the race…? The funniest part of the whole day was the Chinese tourists asking to take pictures with us. It reminded me of being followed by the paparazzi at home. (Oh wait - fantasy life, must learn to separate.)

For those of you (like me) who are rusty on Chinese history, the Forbidden City was the imperial palace during the Ming and Qing dynasties. It is north of Tiananmen Square, home of the Tiananmen Square Massacre of 1989. I couldn't tell you the details of most of my pictures, but they sure are purty, huh? (Click here to see ALL pictures.)

Practice Makes Perfect

2008-05-15T19:21:00.000-07:00

Today was our dry-run of the Wall, so to speak. We got on the bus at 5am for a 3-hour drive to the village of Huangya Guan where the race starts. They call this "inspection day”, which I thought meant they were going to inspect us to see if we had the proper shoes, etc, but it really meant we had to walk the length of the wall that we’d be running on Saturday. Isn’t the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? Why did I think this would be less painful 2 times in a row? Despite the pain, the views from the Wall are breathtaking. (Click here to see ALL pictures.)

Ni Hao from China

2008-05-14T19:21:00.000-07:00

The 14 hour flight to Beijing was uneventful – I took 3 real books, a book on MP3, 4 magazines, 1 newspaper, cross-stitching, 2 DVDs, 2 laptops, and a journal in my carry-on and barely touched a thing. We landed in Beijing at 5am and the GWM tour guides met us and took us to the hotels.

Since Jilly G wasn’t getting in until later in the evening, I decided to play uber-tourist and went on a tour with some people I’d met at the airport. First we went to a pearl factory, which kinda reminded me of the pearl diver show at Sea World. Each of these freshwater oysters has about 20+ pearls inside, which explains why they’re so much cheaper than the 1-pearl-per-oyster salt water variety.

Next we went to lunch and then on to a silk factory. I’m glad we ate first before seeing these nasty little silkworms. It was cool to see how they stretch the silk and then layer it to become a comforter, but the worms themselves were a little on the "ewww" side. (Which would not be the first time I utter that phrase in China, I'm learning.)

Then we went to see the Olympic Village and the Bird’s Nest, which isn’t finished so we just got to walk around the perimeter. My pictures aren’t great because it was so hazy (the pollution in Beijing makes LA smog look like a spring day in the Swiss Alps – more on that later), but it was amazing to see.

Last, we went to a tea tasting, which is kinda like a wine tasting but without the hangover. I'm standing next to a tower o' tea in this picture.

All in all, Day One was amazing and I can’t believe I’m here! (Click here to see ALL pictures.)

Under Pressure

2008-05-06T23:50:00.000-07:00

I knew it. I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep this up. It’s not that I mind babbling when I really have nothing to say (ask any of my 2000 former students), it’s just that the pressure to be funny all the time is overwhelming. Plus, the barrage of “has _____ made your blog yet?” questions. It’s just too much. Ya know, Billy Joel sang to me once (me, personally, that is), “you cannot handle pressure” and he was correct. And then Queen and David Bowie chimed in with something about the "pressure pushing down on me" and they, too, were correct. Oh wait, did that really happen or was it just in my head? Details. Anyway, enough with the Drama Queen excuses.

I visited my BFF, Carrie-In-The-City, last week in CT/NY. Usually I love The City and all things associated with it, but it was cold and rainy most of the time, and you know how I’m obsessed with weather. Cold/Rainy=Uber-Whininess. There were some fun times had by all, but I’m too lazy to address them now. Just know that the following will be summarized with pictures and accompanying stories at some future undisclosed date:

Museum of Natural History
Bar hopping with the oldies upstate
Bar hopping with the kiddies in The City
Flight delays – stuck in Salt Lake City

I finally saw Wicked last weekend. I can’t believe it’s taken this long since I love all things Wizard of Oz. Totally worth the wait - it was FAB.U.LOUS!!!!! I mean, Glinda the Good Witch is a cross between my two favorite characters of all time, Elle Woods (Legally Blonde) and Cher Horowitz (Clueless) – how great is that? I would have to say it has skyrocketed to the top of my Broadway Favs list (previous top spot occupied by Miss Saigon). Run out and get tickets, my pretty!

Latest celebrity sighting: Dennis Miller at the Santa Barbara Bowl. Stay tuned for the Celeb Stalking Point System about to be instituted. (Carrie-ITC's genius brainstorm) Sure to be a family classic enjoyed by both young and old!

Drive on. We'll sweep up the blood later!***

2008-04-18T23:39:00.000-07:00

In trying to keep up with my celebutante pals in Hollywood, I’ve been driving illegally in California for a few years now. While I haven’t totally embraced their criminal ways since I do have an old Florida DL, I have been driving without a CA DL or CA tags for much longer than the law allows. I always had an excuse: I need a haircut, I need to lose weight, I need to study for the test, I don’t want to get rid of my Florida Gators tag, and my personal favorite, I’ll just drive carefully and won’t get pulled over. Now anyone who has ever set foot in a car with me knows what a stretch that is. Fortunately, my luck has held out. Although deep down inside I know that obeying the law should have been my motivation all along, the real motivator was my name change. I decided that after being divorced for 15 years, and now remarried, I should maybe get around to changing my names on all my documents so they all match. Besides, I hear they insist upon that when traveling and I’m thinking China isn’t a very lenient country. Bottom line.....as of today I am finally legal to drive in my home state! ’Bout time, huh? No one can ever accuse me of rushing into something.

And – bonus – I only missed 2 questions on the test. How am I supposed to know which type of roadway is most likely to hide spots of ice on freezing, wet days? Ice? On a roadway? What’s that all about?

***A Katharine Hepburn quote. (Maybe Brit should take a page from Kate’s book.)

Rock On!

2008-04-15T06:06:00.000-07:00

You know how I love stalking my celebrities. Well, we went to a Jackie Greene concert Sunday night and I got pictures AND autographs. Oh, and the concert was great too. The Husband is a musician so he drags me to all kinds of concerts (and I do mean “drags” sometimes) and every once in a while he picks a winner. This one was in a small venue and we got to stand about 10 feet away from the stage and then got to meet Jackie afterward and it was a wonderful celeb-stalking experience! Hopefully he’ll get more famous and it’ll be like saying “oh yeah, I met Mick Jagger once.”

PSA

2008-04-11T23:53:00.000-07:00

We interrupt our regularly scheduled program to bring you this Public Service Announcement:

I gave blood the other day, which, in itself, is not news because I give blood pretty regularly. I’m O-negative, the Universal Donor, so everybody wants me. I’m the one in the ER, the trauma units, the ambulances, etc. Now, I brag about this as if I chose to be O-negative, but let me be clear – I did not choose this lifestyle; I was born this way. While I was at the bloodmobile, I learned that blood donations in California are lower than any other state in the US! They even suggested that I make some O-negative friends (since O-negs can only receive from other O-negs and we’re only 6% of the population) and they actually have social events for their donors to get to know each other. Fortunately, the Husband is O-neg (after all, we do live on the Left Coast where same-blood-type marriage is accepted), but unfortunately due to his frolicking with mad cows in Europe in the '80s, he's an unacceptable donor. However, I started thinking that I probably have some O-neg friends who don’t act O-neg, so I can’t really tell. So I think it’s time for all of us to come out of the closet – loud and proud. No more of this “don’t ask, don’t tell” mentality. It’s time for change, America! Get out there and donate!

Seriously, contact the Red Cross to find a local blood drive and go stick out your arm. Oh, and by the way, if you’re O-neg, let me know. I like candlelight dinners, long walks on the beach, and surviving a medical emergency.