Friday, March 20, 2009

Celebrity Stalker Sweepstakes

Well, technically it's not a sweepstakes, but it is a point system upon which we will establish our self-worth throughout the year. Okay, so "self-worth" might be a little melodramatic, but you get the idea.

Let me just say up front that Carrie-in-the-City flat-out won last year. Her celeb sightings were so plentiful that she should probably have her own IMDB page. For example, she traveled with Bruce Springsteen and the E-Street Band throughout the year, so she met Little Steven, Nils Lofgren, and Gary Talent. Her organization held a celebrity fundraiser and her “job” was to pick up Joey “Pants” Pantaleone and drive him to the event. Then, she hung out with the Pope. Oh yeah, and then there was the President…yes, of the United States. So basically, all of this made my little Matthew McConaughey groping incident seem miniscule in comparison. (Not that Matthew is miniscule by any means!) That's okay - game on for 2009.
Here’s how it works: You get points for every celebrity you see/talk to/get a picture with throughout the year and then we total up at the end to see who won. And by "won" I mean, you don't actually win anything.

Here's the point breakdown:
  • Seeing (as in drive-by or walk-by) = 1 pt
  • Talking to (job function) = 2 pts
  • Talking to (conversation) = 3 pts
  • Picture of = 4 pts
  • Picture with = 5 pts
  • A-list star = double the point value
  • Sighting outside of NY or CA = 1 pt (so that everyone can play and there's no unfair advantage for living in celeb-heavy cities)
  • I thought about including "touching" as a category, but outside of triathlon marking duties it's generally frowned upon and we really want to reduce the jail time of our participants as much as possible.
  • Going to an event and seeing celebs on stage or in a sport does not count as a sighting, unless you hang out before/after and meet them personally or unless you are close enough to take a photo without zooming. That picture is only worth 1 point instead of the normal 4, just because it doesn’t seem as cool as getting a random picture of George Clooney in a restaurant.
  • BONUS POINTS: If you achieve any of the above point values with your token celebrity boyfriend/girlfriend, then you are eligible for massive bonus points (amount to be determined by the committee, of course). To be eligible for this portion of the program, you must pre-register your A-lister. Yes, it has to be an A-lister because no, you can’t just make it up on the fly depending on who you run into at Starbucks that day. Seriously, we all know my boyfriend is Colin Farrell or Jake Gyllenhaal, Carrie-ITC’s is George Clooney or Bruce Springsteen, and Jilly G’s is John Travolta or Bruce Springsteen, and The Husband's girlfriend is Milla Jovovich or Angelina Jolie, so we can’t just make it up and say “Oh, I got my picture taken with my celebrity boyfriend, John Doe, who was an extra in Rocket Space Monkey. After all, we have to have some standards to our stalking.
Here are some scenarios:
  • Scenario 1: I walk by Michael Easton while shopping in Orlando. This is worth 2 points because it's a sighting/walk-by (1) and it's not in NY or CA (1).
  • Scenario 2: I get my picture taken with Michael Easton at the Daytime Emmy Awards in Hollywood. This is worth 5 points because it's a picture with (5) and it's in CA (0).
  • Scenario 3: Dennis Miller comes through my line while I'm taking tickets at the SB Bowl. I say something like "I'll scan your ticket; have a nice time, blahblahblah". This is worth 2 points because I talk to him in my job function (2) and it's in CA (0).
  • Scenario 4: Felicity Huffman signs in for the triathlon while I'm at the registration area. I mark her, tell her where to go, and then later talk to her about how she did. This is worth 6 points because I have a conversation with her (3) and she's an A-lister (double) and it's in CA (0).
  • Scenario 5: I run into Jake Gyllenhaal in Trader Joe's, he tells me he loves me, we run off to a deserted island together. GAME OVER!
All points are retroactive to January 2009. All points must be submitted to the committee for eligibility determination. All submissions are subject to review at any time. So far the committee consists of Carrie-ITC, The Husband, and myself, but we are currently taking applications for fellow judges.

Let the stalking begin!

Friday, March 6, 2009

Oh, Poo!

First of all, I stole this commentary off of someone else's blog. So sue me. But seriously, give me a break. I can barely pull myself up out of my depression-induced fetal position to send out 20 resumes a day (which are subsequently sent to some big "we're not hiring right now, but we'll keep it on file" warehouse in the sky) and you want me to write an original thought, too?! Yeah right. All my creative energy went into that padded resume.

So I was reading this blog on germs, which doesn't get me too worked up usually. After all, I taught germy little middle schoolers for many years. However, this ewww factor is right up there with Chinese toilets. Newsflash: There’s poo in your laundry! "A report from ABC News states that there is about 0.1 gram of fecal material in a piece of underwear, which adds up to approximately 100 million E. coli bacteria in an average undergarment load." Um, ga-ross. And get this, if you do the green thing and wash in cold water, those cooties hang out and contaminate your hands as you put it in the dryer. Um, double ga-ross.

Fortunately, this blogger I so blatantly plagiarized posted some easy solutions to avoid poo-cooties:

  • Wash all undergarments in the same load and make it the last load of the day to avoid contaminating successive loads.
  • If you don’t use hot water for cleaning, consider using it just for underwear loads.
  • Don’t let laundry sit between wash and dry cycles as this gives germs a chance to multiply.
  • If you don’t dry your laundry on high heat for a full cycle, consider doing so just for underwear loads.
  • Wash hands after putting wet laundry in the dryer.
  • Don’t place dirty laundry on the folding/sorting table where clean laundry will be placed.
  • Don’t put clean laundry back in the dirty hamper to bring it back to the dresser.
And there you have it.....the most I have to offer these days are "Hints from Heloise". Stay tuned for some delicious tuna casserole recipes next week. K...M...N...