3-Ply Bar Fun

I just realized it's been a while since I've been out picking up men in bars...oh wait, that never happened. People probably don't write phone numbers on cocktail napkins or coasters anymore, do they? It's kinda sad to think that this generation of bar flies will never wake up the next morning with a stack of cocktail napkins on the nightstand wondering who's who. Because I've always enjoyed collecting info on napkins, I tend to love napkins that have anything written on them. Therefore, to honor the soon-to-be-extinct bar post-it notes, I'm sharing pictures of my favorite funny cocktail napkins, many of which I've used at my boring old-people parties at home. Alas, there are no phone numbers on them these days.

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Christmas in the Park 6: Reindeer Games

One of my favorite Christmas stories of all time is Move Over, Santa - Ruby's Doin' Christmas! by Ruby Ann Boxcar. Sorry Rudolph, Scrooge, Ralphie, and George Bailey...Ruby and her pals at the trailer park are far more entertaining. Since I haven't had an original thought in months, and since I lovelovelove this book and re-read it every December, I thought I'd just go ahead and plagiarize some excerpts to share with you for the holiday season. Ruby, don't sue me; just consider this free advertising. Seriously, you guys need to run right over (and by "run", I mean "click") to Amazon and buy this book. Funniest. Book. Ever.

This selection comes from various sections in various chapters, Trailer Park Christmas Games.

Everybody enjoys a fun party game, especially at Christmas. I know that at my Christmas parties, after we've eatin', game time is one of the highlights of the night. We all enjoy playin' "White Elephant / Dirty Santa," but the fun doesn't stop there. We also play "Hey, What's in My Sock," "Donna Sue's Boyfriend," "The Christmas Pea," "Pass the Aqua Net," "The Check Is in the Mail," "The Christmas Goose," "I've Never on Christmas," "Blow It Out for Santa," "Decorate the Christmas Tree Game," and "Kiss and Tell." Not only are these games fun, but they also help your guests get more acquainted.

Blow It Out for Santa
You light a candle and put it on a chair away from where everyone is seated. The story is that it's Christmas Eve, and Santa is up on the roof waitin' to come down the chimney. The only thing is, he won't budge until he sees that all the lights are out. So you have to blow out the candle for Santa. Then each player, in turn, is blind-folded and positioned two feet away with their backs to the candle and chair. The hostess then asks them to take three steps forward, turn around four times, and step three steps forward toward the candle. They then simply have to blow the candle out. Since most people will get disoriented, they'll end up in some other part of the room, blowin' on somethin' else. Just make sure you got somebody standin' behind or beside the chair just to make sure that nobody walks into the candle. The last thing you need while havin' a party is a trailer fire.

The Check Is in the Mail
I love this game. First every player puts in a dollar bill. Then the hostess takes all the money that has been collected and puts it in an open envelope that has the word BILLS written on it. Then all the players get in a big circle. When the hostess starts up a song on the CD player, everyone starts passin' the envelope. When the music stops, the person holdin' the envelope is either out or has to put two more dollar bills in the envelope in order to continue playin'. If that same player gets stuck with the envelope a second time, he don't put any more money in the envelope 'cause he's out for good this time. The last person to not get stuck with the envelope is the winner and gets to keep the cash.

The Christmas Pea
This game is real fun and simple to play. You take a handful of peas and set 'em on a chair. You scatter 'em out a bit. You hand a player an empty bowl and tell them to gently set down on the peas. The object of the game is to move the peas, with your behind only, into the bowl. You have fifteen seconds to complete this task. When the time runs out the hostess counts up the number of peas in the bowl and writes it down. The person to get the most peas in the bowl wins. Have a towel ready, 'cause somebody is gonna end up with peas stuck on their behind. If peas are too small, you can use white grapes or, with my large-bottomed family members playin', cantaloupes.

Hey, What's in My Sock
The hostess takes a thermal sock and fills it with twenty-five different objects that pertain to Christmas (mistletoe, a bow, a figure from a nativity scene, pinecone, tinsel, unbreakable ornament, etc.). The hostess then takes a second thermal sock and puts the exact same things in it. When it's time for the party, the hostess passes out a blank sheet of paper and pen to each guest, and then explains that the socks contain twenty-five Christmas objects. Each guest must take a sock, stick their hand inside, and, without lookin', try to figure out what all the items are in one minute's time. Each guest must write down as many items as he can. When his time is up, he passes the sock on to the next person. The reason you pack up two identical sockfuls is simply to speed up the game. This way you can have two people rather than just one trying to guess the items in the sock in that same one-minute time period. Make sure to tell your guests not to call out an object. The winner is the person or persons who has the most correct items on their paper after everyone has had a chance with a sock. This can be a hoot as well.

Kiss and Tell
This game is real fun for couples. You pair up into teams of two players, and yes, married or engaged couples must make up a team. Then one team member sets down in a chair with a Santa hat on. The other team member has to put on a thick coatin' of lipstick. When the hostess says "Go," the player with the lipstick has to kiss their teammate on the face as many times as possible in thirty seconds. They can reapply the lipstick as often as they wish. If they knock their teammate's Santa hat off while kissin', they have to put the hat on and change places with their teammate. That teammate now has to apply lipstick to their lips and kiss the seated player. At the end of thirty seconds, the hostess will go around and count all the kisses on each of the seated players. The seated player with the most kisses wins for their team. This can get real good when you got older couples playin'.

Pass the Aqua Net
Line up in two teams. The first person in each team is given a can of Aqua Net to place under his or her chin. The team member must pass the can to the next in line, but neither may use his or her hands. The first team to get the can of hairspray all the way to the last person in line is the winner. If the can drops between two players, they have to pick it up, give each other's hair a quick spray, and continue from there.

Mary and Joseph Go Digital

This is so clever. I'm posting it, not only to share because I think it's hilarious, but in hopes that its creative brilliance will somehow rub off on me. (*Fingers crossed for Christmas Miracle v2*)



Here's another one. This one isn't as good as the first one (says the person who hasn't had an original thought in months years), but definite bonus points for the great music background.

Red Light District

Roxanne and Rudolph, together at last!



And what if Rudolph had been "normal"...?



Embrace diversity!

Christmas in the Park 5: Drink Up!

One of my favorite Christmas stories of all time is Move Over, Santa - Ruby's Doin' Christmas! by Ruby Ann Boxcar. Sorry Rudolph, Scrooge, Ralphie, and George Bailey...Ruby and her pals at the trailer park are far more entertaining. Since I haven't had an original thought in months, and since I lovelovelove this book and re-read it every December, I thought I'd just go ahead and plagiarize some excerpts to share with you for the holiday season. Ruby, don't sue me; just consider this free advertising. Seriously, you guys need to run right over (and by "run", I mean "click") to Amazon and buy this book. Funniest. Book. Ever.


This fifth selection comes from the chapter, The First Day of Christmas - Christmas Cheer.

I've always been the first to say that my sister put the "Ho" in "Ho-Ho-Ho." It's true! When it comes to holiday cheer my sister beats the drum, crushes the ice, and shakes the shaker. And bein' the drunk that she is, I can't think of anyone better to turn to when it comes to Christmas drinks. I'm not one to brag, especially when it comes to my sister, but Donna Sue is so skilled in the art of mixology that she can mix a cocktail with her eyes closed. Bein' the good Baptist that I am, I sometimes wish I had that skill, 'cause my curtains don't close all the way in the livin' room, and I ain't got a light in my hall closet. Anyways, Donna Sue is to the world of drinks what I am to the world of food, advice, and entertainment. That's right, she's an expert.

So without further ado, here are some drinks that will definitely put the "Merry" in your "Christmas."

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
A couple of these and you'll know why his nose glows.

1 1/4 oz light rum
1 1/2 oz lemon juice
1/2 oz grenadine
Ice cubes
Hawaiian Punch
Lemon wedge for garnish

Mix the light rum, lemon juice, grenadine, and ice in a shaker. Pour over ice in a collins glass. Top off with Hawaiian Punch. Add lemon wedge and serve.

Orange Eggnog Float
I wouldn't be surprised if Bing didn't come back for a little glass of this on a White Christmas night.

4 eggs
6 T sugar
5 1/2 c orange juice, chilled
1/2 c lemon juice
1 qt vanilla ice cream
1 qt ginger ale, chilled

In a large bowl, beat your eggs and sugar until they're light. Add your juices and stir well. Gently pour this in a punch bowl. Scoop out small portions of ice cream and place 'em in the punch bowl as well. Slowly pour your ginger ale along the sides of the punch bowl so not to waste the carbonation. Stir gently. Serve in punch cups. Makes about 30 servings.

Editors note: I would definitely add some rum or vodka to this concoction. I mean, if you're gonna consume all these calories anyway, it may as well have a little kick to it. I'm just sayin'.

Christmas in the Park 4: Decorating Your Holiday Face

One of my favorite Christmas stories of all time is Move Over, Santa - Ruby's Doin' Christmas! by Ruby Ann Boxcar. Sorry Rudolph, Scrooge, Ralphie, and George Bailey...Ruby and her pals at the trailer park are far more entertaining. Since I haven't had an original thought in months, and since I lovelovelove this book and re-read it every December, I thought I'd just go ahead and plagiarize some excerpts to share with you for the holiday season. Ruby, don't sue me; just consider this free advertising. Seriously, you guys need to run right over (and by "run", I mean "click") to Amazon and buy this book. Funniest. Book. Ever.


This fourth selection comes from various sections in various chapters, Puttin' Your Best Face Forward.

Seein' how this is the time of year that we spend makin' merry with our families and groups of our friends and even coworkers, the last thing we want to do is look like we've had a rough past twelve months. I know that for some of y'all, you just can't help lookin' that way, and that's okay, 'cause nobody expects you to ever look any better. But Christmas is a time for fantasy like in the Nutcracker where that little girl's nutcracker comes to life and she beats off the Mouse King with her shoe. Now that I think of it, I've known some folks who could kill a mouse just by takin' off their shoes so maybe that ain't as hard to believe as I'd first thought. In any case, y'all, and I'm includin' you ugly ones as well, can give your makeup that touch of fantasy and get away with it durin' the holiday season.

Lipstick
Bright red lipstick is the deal for Christmas. I know that some of y'all are already tryin' to talk me down on this one by sayin' that bright red lipstick will make you look like a hooker. Well trust me, hon, nobody's ever gonna mistake you for a lady of the night. You see, people actually pay them. So get out that red lipstick and put it on. The brighter the better, I say. And not only will you be makin' yourself look beautiful, but you'll be doin' a public service as well, 'cause the older folks who have problems hearin' what you're sayin' will now be able to read your flappin' red lips a lot easier.

Eye Shadow
Your eyes are the windows of your soul, so just like the windows in your trailer, they should be frosted as well. Naturally if you'd read my Down Home Trailer Park Guide to Livin' Real Good, you'd know that I always suggest wearin' blue eye shadow, so you most likely guess that I'd suggest frosted blue eye shadow for the holidays. That's right, so follow the King's advice and make this Christmas a blue Christmas, frosted of course.

Eyebrows
I understand the pain that comes when you groom your eyebrows. Why, I've even been the victim of hot wax burns. But there is no reason for bushy eyebrows at Christmastime. I don't care if you're ten or a hundred and ten, your eyebrows should look good. That don't mean you have to go out and have 'em plucked, waxed, or even shaved. Instead you can just follow my simple brow secret, Aqua Net. Just give each brow a blast of hairspray, and then use your fingers to slick each of 'em back toward the side of your head. You'll be amazed at how tame that unruly brow can become with just a little Aqua Net.

Fake Eyelashes
A gal can never go wrong with fake eyelashes, just as long as they ain't them gigantic ones that can easily cool down a room every time you bat your eyes. And even though I personally think you should always wear the black ones, I guess it's all right if you want to throw on a pair that's in seasonal colors. Those ones that got the glitter on each lash are fine as well. Just make sure that come the day after Christmas them crazy lashes go back in the bottom of your underwear drawer, only to come back out next December or if you get a job at the circus.

Stay tuned for tomorrow's lesson on mixology.

Christmas in the Park 3: The Layering of Lights

One of my favorite Christmas stories of all time is Move Over, Santa - Ruby's Doin' Christmas! by Ruby Ann Boxcar. Sorry Rudolph, Scrooge, Ralphie, and George Bailey...Ruby and her pals at the trailer park are far more entertaining. Since I haven't had an original thought in months, and since I lovelovelove this book and re-read it every December, I thought I'd just go ahead and plagiarize some excerpts to share with you for the holiday season. Ruby, don't sue me; just consider this free advertising. Seriously, you guys need to run right over (and by "run", I mean "click") to Amazon and buy this book. Funniest. Book. Ever.


This third selection comes from the chapter, Preparin' Yer Trailer Inside and Out for the Holiday Season.

If you find yourself out drivin' in a trailer park community, you'll most likely notice the Christmas lights that are strung up on the trailers. Naturally we never take any of our outside lights down, but simply continue to pile 'em on top of each other. Well, this is how you can tell who has the most money in the park. The more strands of workin' lights means the most money. Don't confuse that with the most strands of lights with some workin' 'cause that is a sign of elderly folks who've been addin' more each year, but didn't have the money or the get-up-and-go to perform any kind of maintenance on them older strands of lights. As for those other trailers that y'all will see that just have a few strings of Christmas lights hangin' on 'em, they most likely are either new to the trailer park, young people in their first trailer, newlyweds, or Jewish.

Stay tuned for tomorrow's tip on decorating your holiday face.

Christmas in the Park, the Sequel: Mistletoe Placement

One of my favorite Christmas stories of all time is Move Over, Santa - Ruby's Doin' Christmas! by Ruby Ann Boxcar. Sorry Rudolph, Scrooge, Ralphie, and George Bailey...Ruby and her pals at the trailer park are far more entertaining. Since I haven't had an original thought in months, and since I lovelovelove this book and re-read it every December, I thought I'd just go ahead and plagiarize some excerpts to share with you for the holiday season. Ruby, don't sue me; just consider this free advertising. Seriously, you guys need to run right over (and by "run", I mean "click") to Amazon and buy this book. Funniest. Book. Ever.


This second selection comes from the chapter, Preparin' Yer Trailer Inside and Out for the Holiday Season.

Some of ya'll don't understand how important the placement of mistletoe is in a trailer. Typically folks put it in the doorway, which is the biggest mistake in the world if you live in a trailer park. With people like my sister Donna Sue or her other trampy little coworkers from the Blue Whale Strip Club comin' over to my trailer, all I end up with is them blockin' the doorways waitin' for somebody to kiss 'em. I can't tell you how many times I've had to tell my sister to get out of the way 'cause she was blockin' the entrance into the kitchen. And I almost had a whole Christmas party go wrong when I caught an invited guest, dog-ugly Opal Lamb, standin' in the front door with the mistletoe hangin' over her head. I'd peeked out the window and wondered what all my guests were doin' standin' in my yard. Nobody wanted to go first with that old dog-face cow hoggin' the door. Needless to say, I've learned from my mistakes and now when I throw a party durin' the holiday season I hang the mistletoe over the kitchen sink. If my drunken sister or one of her friends want to wait somewhere for a kiss, they can do it in my kitchen while they wash my dishes.

Stay tuned for tomorrow's explanation of the caste system of outdoor lights.

Christmas in the Park

One of my favorite Christmas stories of all time is Move Over, Santa - Ruby's Doin' Christmas! by Ruby Ann Boxcar. Sorry Rudolph, Scrooge, Ralphie, and George Bailey...Ruby and her pals at the trailer park are far more entertaining. Since I haven't had an original thought in months, and since I lovelovelove this book and re-read it every December, I thought I'd just go ahead and plagiarize some excerpts to share with you for the holiday season. Ruby, don't sue me; just consider this free advertising. Seriously, you guys need to run right over (and by "run", I mean "click") to Amazon and buy this book. Funniest. Book. Ever.

 
This first selection comes from the chapter, Preparin' Yer Trailer Inside and Out for the Holiday Season.

Pickin Out a Tree
Real Tree
Pros: You get a fresh tree smell in your home while it's in the house.
Cons: You have to keep it watered; the needles fall off; bugs and spiders can live in your tree; it can catch fire and burn your trailer to the ground; it only comes in one color.
Fake Tree
Pros: You can use it over and over; you can spray it down with real tree smell in a can, no waterin', no needles to clean up, since it comes in a box you ain't got no bugs or spiders to worry about, most fake trees are made with fire-retardant materials, and it comes in every color under the rainbow.
Cons: Price

Bracin' the Tree
If for some reason you feel like you've got to brace your tree by runnin' wire or fishin' string from the tree to the walls, make sure you incorporate 'em into your tree decoratin' as well. Hang ornaments from the wires and strings. Or you can also simply drape garlands on 'em.

The Lights
Now that you got your tree all standin' up and everythin', it's time to put on the lights.....Go to the first branch either at the top or at the bottom, find the middle of that branch and wrap your lights around it. Next, grab some clear packin' tape and wrap it around the branch one time just to make sure that your lights ain't comin' off. Do this on each branch after you've done the lights. Just make sure you get the nonflammable kind of tape.

Garland
After the lights are finished, it's time to add garland.....Feel free to put several different types of garland on as well, just make sure that they're vivid. If you want to use rbbon, that's good, too, just make sure that it's wide and colorful.....Another good item to use for garland is barbed wire. This is especially handy if you got cats that like to climb in trees or children who need to learn not to touch the Christmas tree. I'd even suggest electrical fence wire for this same reason, but you'll have a large enough electric bill from the lights alone, so forget that one.

Tinsel
Tinsel can be real pretty on a tree as well.....You can't just take a handful and toss it on the tree.....Take a handful and lay it over your hand. Use your thumb to hold it in place. Next, turn on your hair dryer, aim it at your hand, which should be facin' the tree, and slowly ease up with your thumb, releasin' just a few strands of tinsel at a time. Keep doin' this at different parts of the tree, and you'll have that son of a gun tinseled in no time. Just remember to keep movin' your hand and the blow-dryer in a steady pace so as not to overtinsel any one area.

Stay tuned for tomorrow's tip on the proper placement of mistletoe. Speaking of...enjoy this tidbit of mistletoe humor...

Time to Put On Your Yarmulke

This never gets old!

Where the Wild Thing Is

The Husband bought me a new journal called Listography: Your Life in Lists to help jumpstart my writing-block cure. I can think of few things I love more than lists. Of course if it's an alphabetized list in an Excel spreadsheet I'm over the moon, but spontaneous hand-written lists rank right up there, too. The first two were "List Places You've Lived" and "List People You've Lived With". And they only gave me one page for each. Really? I have lived at 30 different addresses with 27 different roommates since leaving home when I was 18 years old. Like I've said before, I get bored. And no, I'm not running from the law. Yet.
Residence #1 - Childhood Home: Of course this was the dream home I never realized was a dream home until I got out into the real world. 3ish acres, lakefront, 5br/3ba, fireplace, within spitting distance of The Mouse.....no big deal, right? I'll just pick one of those up at Target this afternoon.

During the summers we spent every day in the lake - swimming, boating, skiing, fishing. (And no, I had never even heard of SPF anything, which is why I'm currently keeping the Botox people in business.) Every afternoon, we would engage in "The Orange Wars" while racing our horses through the orange groves. Sometimes we would even ride on the golf courses, which appalls me now that I'm an adult who plays golf. We had a treehouse that we camped out in sometimes, even though I was terrified of the roaches that would lie in wait and pounce in the middle of the night. We ran rampant through the woods next door and continued to re-build the same fort over and over and over again. As we got older, we discovered that these secret locales made for great partying and parking spots. Just kidding, Mom and Dad. If you're reading this, I'm totally just kidding. Really. I am.

Residences #2-5 - College (10 roommates total): My first dorm in college was UN-AIRCONDITIONED, on the 4th floor (no elevator) of an all girls building. Visualize, if you will, the misery of Sorority Rush (i.e. makeup, hot curlers, pantyhose) in August in Florida while living in this sweatbox. My second dorm room was on the 11th floor (elevator, thank goodness) of a co-ed high-rise building. One minor drawback was when someone would pull the fire alarm and we'd have to walk down 11 flights of stairs and then back up. This happened on a regular basis and I had beautiful legs. My third dorm room was juuuussst right. It was the place to be because we were right next to "Broward Beach" - the pool and lawn where everyone went to see and be seen. I mean, to study.
Then, when my dorm stint was over, I moved into the "Red-Velvet-Couch Apartment". The RVC Apartment is a story for another time, but let's just say.....well, never mind. We went to class/work/church, studied hard, and that's all we did. Really, Mom and Dad, that's what we did.
Residence #9 (1 roommate): An apartment right across the street from the beach over a drive-thru-brew in Daytona Beach. You know what they say...location, location, location.
Residences #11-15 (1 husband): You'd think since I'd "settled down" and married that I would stay in once place, right? Not even close. 4 apartments and 1 house in less than 6 years. My most icky memory at #13 was getting peeped. Scared me to death and then the cop implied that it was my fault for walking around MY OWN HOME half-naked at 5am. Um, yeah, I was asking for it. We moved the next week.
Residence #18 (parents): Sanibel Island - ahhhh. Just for a summer, though.
Residence #22 (2 roommates): A house right behind a shopping mall - another excellent location. My favorite memory was stopping by the "Hot Donuts Now" Krispy Kreme on the way home on Fridays, and then eating doughnuts and drinking Miller Lite while watching Boy Meets World. Rockin' the Friday night, huh? Although we did occasionally rock the Friday night and I have a distinct memory that involves black vomit and white carpet, but I probably don't need to give you the play-by-play on that one.
Residence #24 (1 boyfriend): A house with the man who stole my last 4 childbearing years. Not that I'm bitter.
Residence #26: Hurricane House. Seriously, the day after the movers came, Hurricane Charley showed up. Then Frances and Jeanne followed. I learned that electricity should never be taken for granted.
Residences #27-28 (1 roommate): Like, I was totally, like, ya know, like, a Valley Girl. Oh, and btw, that "it's a dry heat" line doesn't help when it's 110 degrees during the summer. NOT that I'm complaining because I loved every red-hot minute of it. However, I do understand when people say they don't step foot into the Valley from June through September.
Residences #29-30 (1 husband): Done. I know I've said this before, but this time I realllllllyyy mean it.....I'm never moving again. Even though we have a treasure-trove of moving boxes stashed in the garage, just in case.

Honey, Let's Shrink the Waist!

2010 New Year's Resolutions...same lies, different year. 'Nuf said.

However, in keeping with my "new and improved" inspirations, I do have a new project that I'd like to announce for those of you who actually keep resolutions. How about a SHRINK-a-thon? As in shrinking the waistline? You know those walk-a-thon things we used to do as kids? (Remember the March of Dimes 21 mile Walk-a-thon in Orlando about 30ish years ago? Do they still do that?) You get someone to sponsor you, say, $1/mile and then if you finish the whole thing they owe your charity $21. Or, they could even sponsor you 10 cents/mile (we were in Jr. High, after all) and then owe $2.10 at the end. You get the idea.

So here's the deal.....AFSP is sponsoring a shrink-a-thon starting JANUARY 10th for the next 12 weeks. 12 weeks - that's it. Think about it - if you sponsored someone like me $1/lb, you'd probably only end up spending $12 at the most, because I'm such a slacker. Of course if you sponsored someone motivated, like most of my friends, you'd end up owing more. But here's the bonus - all the money raised goes to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.

How does it work, you ask? First of all, you need to register on the official AFSP shrink-a-thon page. This gives you access to our virtual "meetings", as well as recipes, tips, advice, etc. Even if you register and change your mind, that's okay. (Trust me, I'm a flip-flopper, so I know about commitment angst.) But seriously, it's only for 12 weeks. 12 weeks! Even I can stick with that! You can dooooooo it!

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