Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Christmas in the Park, the Sequel: Mistletoe Placement

One of my favorite Christmas stories of all time is Move Over, Santa - Ruby's Doin' Christmas! by Ruby Ann Boxcar. Sorry Rudolph, Scrooge, Ralphie, and George Bailey...Ruby and her pals at the trailer park are far more entertaining. Since I haven't had an original thought in months, and since I lovelovelove this book and re-read it every December, I thought I'd just go ahead and plagiarize some excerpts to share with you for the holiday season. Ruby, don't sue me; just consider this free advertising. Seriously, you guys need to run right over (and by "run", I mean "click") to Amazon and buy this book. Funniest. Book. Ever.

This second selection comes from the chapter, Preparin' Yer Trailer Inside and Out for the Holiday Season.

Some of ya'll don't understand how important the placement of mistletoe is in a trailer. Typically folks put it in the doorway, which is the biggest mistake in the world if you live in a trailer park. With people like my sister Donna Sue or her other trampy little coworkers from the Blue Whale Strip Club comin' over to my trailer, all I end up with is them blockin' the doorways waitin' for somebody to kiss 'em. I can't tell you how many times I've had to tell my sister to get out of the way 'cause she was blockin' the entrance into the kitchen. And I almost had a whole Christmas party go wrong when I caught an invited guest, dog-ugly Opal Lamb, standin' in the front door with the mistletoe hangin' over her head. I'd peeked out the window and wondered what all my guests were doin' standin' in my yard. Nobody wanted to go first with that old dog-face cow hoggin' the door. Needless to say, I've learned from my mistakes and now when I throw a party durin' the holiday season I hang the mistletoe over the kitchen sink. If my drunken sister or one of her friends want to wait somewhere for a kiss, they can do it in my kitchen while they wash my dishes.
Stay tuned for tomorrow's explanation of the caste system of outdoor lights.

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