Thursday, December 9, 2010

Christmas in the Park 4: Decorating Your Holiday Face

One of my favorite Christmas stories of all time is Move Over, Santa - Ruby's Doin' Christmas! by Ruby Ann Boxcar. Sorry Rudolph, Scrooge, Ralphie, and George Bailey...Ruby and her pals at the trailer park are far more entertaining. Since I haven't had an original thought in months, and since I lovelovelove this book and re-read it every December, I thought I'd just go ahead and plagiarize some excerpts to share with you for the holiday season. Ruby, don't sue me; just consider this free advertising. Seriously, you guys need to run right over (and by "run", I mean "click") to Amazon and buy this book. Funniest. Book. Ever.

This fourth selection comes from various sections in various chapters, Puttin' Your Best Face Forward.

Seein' how this is the time of year that we spend makin' merry with our families and groups of our friends and even coworkers, the last thing we want to do is look like we've had a rough past twelve months. I know that for some of y'all, you just can't help lookin' that way, and that's okay, 'cause nobody expects you to ever look any better. But Christmas is a time for fantasy like in the Nutcracker where that little girl's nutcracker comes to life and she beats off the Mouse King with her shoe. Now that I think of it, I've known some folks who could kill a mouse just by takin' off their shoes so maybe that ain't as hard to believe as I'd first thought. In any case, y'all, and I'm includin' you ugly ones as well, can give your makeup that touch of fantasy and get away with it durin' the holiday season.
Bright red lipstick is the deal for Christmas. I know that some of y'all are already tryin' to talk me down on this one by sayin' that bright red lipstick will make you look like a hooker. Well trust me, hon, nobody's ever gonna mistake you for a lady of the night. You see, people actually pay them. So get out that red lipstick and put it on. The brighter the better, I say. And not only will you be makin' yourself look beautiful, but you'll be doin' a public service as well, 'cause the older folks who have problems hearin' what you're sayin' will now be able to read your flappin' red lips a lot easier.
Eye Shadow
Your eyes are the windows of your soul, so just like the windows in your trailer, they should be frosted as well. Naturally if you'd read my Down Home Trailer Park Guide to Livin' Real Good, you'd know that I always suggest wearin' blue eye shadow, so you most likely guess that I'd suggest frosted blue eye shadow for the holidays. That's right, so follow the King's advice and make this Christmas a blue Christmas, frosted of course.
I understand the pain that comes when you groom your eyebrows. Why, I've even been the victim of hot wax burns. But there is no reason for bushy eyebrows at Christmastime. I don't care if you're ten or a hundred and ten, your eyebrows should look good. That don't mean you have to go out and have 'em plucked, waxed, or even shaved. Instead you can just follow my simple brow secret, Aqua Net. Just give each brow a blast of hairspray, and then use your fingers to slick each of 'em back toward the side of your head. You'll be amazed at how tame that unruly brow can become with just a little Aqua Net.
Fake Eyelashes
A gal can never go wrong with fake eyelashes, just as long as they ain't them gigantic ones that can easily cool down a room every time you bat your eyes. And even though I personally think you should always wear the black ones, I guess it's all right if you want to throw on a pair that's in seasonal colors. Those ones that got the glitter on each lash are fine as well. Just make sure that come the day after Christmas them crazy lashes go back in the bottom of your underwear drawer, only to come back out next December or if you get a job at the circus.
Stay tuned for tomorrow's lesson on mixology.

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