Christmas in the Park

One of my favorite Christmas stories of all time is Move Over, Santa - Ruby's Doin' Christmas! by Ruby Ann Boxcar. Sorry Rudolph, Scrooge, Ralphie, and George Bailey...Ruby and her pals at the trailer park are far more entertaining. Since I haven't had an original thought in months, and since I lovelovelove this book and re-read it every December, I thought I'd just go ahead and plagiarize some excerpts to share with you for the holiday season. Ruby, don't sue me; just consider this free advertising. Seriously, you guys need to run right over (and by "run", I mean "click") to Amazon and buy this book. Funniest. Book. Ever.

 
This first selection comes from the chapter, Preparin' Yer Trailer Inside and Out for the Holiday Season.

Pickin Out a Tree
Real Tree
Pros: You get a fresh tree smell in your home while it's in the house.
Cons: You have to keep it watered; the needles fall off; bugs and spiders can live in your tree; it can catch fire and burn your trailer to the ground; it only comes in one color.
Fake Tree
Pros: You can use it over and over; you can spray it down with real tree smell in a can, no waterin', no needles to clean up, since it comes in a box you ain't got no bugs or spiders to worry about, most fake trees are made with fire-retardant materials, and it comes in every color under the rainbow.
Cons: Price

Bracin' the Tree
If for some reason you feel like you've got to brace your tree by runnin' wire or fishin' string from the tree to the walls, make sure you incorporate 'em into your tree decoratin' as well. Hang ornaments from the wires and strings. Or you can also simply drape garlands on 'em.

The Lights
Now that you got your tree all standin' up and everythin', it's time to put on the lights.....Go to the first branch either at the top or at the bottom, find the middle of that branch and wrap your lights around it. Next, grab some clear packin' tape and wrap it around the branch one time just to make sure that your lights ain't comin' off. Do this on each branch after you've done the lights. Just make sure you get the nonflammable kind of tape.

Garland
After the lights are finished, it's time to add garland.....Feel free to put several different types of garland on as well, just make sure that they're vivid. If you want to use rbbon, that's good, too, just make sure that it's wide and colorful.....Another good item to use for garland is barbed wire. This is especially handy if you got cats that like to climb in trees or children who need to learn not to touch the Christmas tree. I'd even suggest electrical fence wire for this same reason, but you'll have a large enough electric bill from the lights alone, so forget that one.

Tinsel
Tinsel can be real pretty on a tree as well.....You can't just take a handful and toss it on the tree.....Take a handful and lay it over your hand. Use your thumb to hold it in place. Next, turn on your hair dryer, aim it at your hand, which should be facin' the tree, and slowly ease up with your thumb, releasin' just a few strands of tinsel at a time. Keep doin' this at different parts of the tree, and you'll have that son of a gun tinseled in no time. Just remember to keep movin' your hand and the blow-dryer in a steady pace so as not to overtinsel any one area.

Stay tuned for tomorrow's tip on the proper placement of mistletoe. Speaking of...enjoy this tidbit of mistletoe humor...